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#26 2018-02-19 01:27:54

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 23,801

Re: Very short jokes!

Son: "Is this insecticide good for mosquito?"
Dad: "Not at all, it kills them!"
* * *
Daughter to her dad: "What is it?"
Dad: “It” is a pronoun.
* * *
A guy is stopped on the road by traffic police. The police officer asks him to open his trunk – and sees 2 penguins sitting inside. The officer is shocked and says to the guy, “Sir, you’ve got to takes those two to the Zoo right away!” The guy agrees and leaves.
The next day – same place, same police officer – he is stopped again. The officer again asks him to open his trunk, and to his confusion, there are the two penguins sitting again, today with swimming hats on their heads. The officer says, “I told you yesterday that you have to take them to the Zoo, didn’t I?!”
“And I did take them to the Zoo, just like you said. And today we’re going swimming.”
* * *
Q: What can you serve but should never eat?
A: A tennis ball.
* * *
Father: And, how do you like going to school?
Son: Well, the going bit is OK, the coming home bit is fine too, but the time in between kind of ruins it!
* * *
80 chimneys plus 5 chimneys plus 8 chimneys.
What is the result?
Lots of smoke.
* * *
Teacher: "You got a zero in the last exam."
Roger: "I don’t think I deserve a zero!"
Teacher: "Neither do I. But I can’t go any lower than that."
* * *
Little Kenny is about to have a big test and his father says: “You better study real good boy, ‘cause if you don’t pass that test, you can forget that you’re my son!”
The next day Kenny comes home and his dad asks him how he did in the test.
Kenny looks at him and says, “And who are you, dude?”
* * *


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#27 2018-02-19 23:32:46

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 23,801

Re: Very short jokes!

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
* * *
What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A Maybe!
* * *
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
* * *
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
* * *
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did..   
* * *
A teacher is talking to a student.
Teacher: Did you father help you with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.
* * *
Q: How do you count cows?
A: With a cowculator.
* * *
Teacher: "Name a bird with wings but can't fly."
Student: "A dead bird, sir."
* * *
Q: What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A: A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
* * *
Q: What did the spider do on the computer?
A: Made a website!
* * *
Waiter: "Do you want any dessert?"
Teddy Bear: "No Thanks. I'm Stuffed!"
* * *   
A farmer and his brand new bride are riding home in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbles.
The farmer says, "That's once."
A little further along, the horse stumbles again.
The farmer says, "That's twice."
When the old horse stumbles again, the farmer quietly reaches under his seat, pulls out a shotgun, and shoots the horse.
His brand new bride yells, "That was an awful thing to do!"
The farmer says, "That's once."
* * *
A baby snake asked it's mom, "Mommy are we poisonous?"
The mother snake responded, "Yes honey, but why do you want to know?"
The baby snake responded, "Because I just bit myself..."
* * *
Q: Why are fish easy to weigh?
A: Because they have their own scales.
* * *
Q: Where do sharks go on their holidays?
A: Finland.
* * *


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#28 2018-02-20 23:37:51

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 23,801

Re: Very short jokes!

Marriage is an institution of three rings. Engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.
* * *
Teacher asks Little Johnny, “Johnny, how old is your father?”
“He’s as old as me,” Johnny informs her.
“Now how would that be possible?” inquires the surprised teacher.
“Well – he became father the day I was born.”
* * *
During an English lesson, the teacher asks, "Can anyone give me an example for the word ‘COINCIDENCE’?”
Little Johnny volunteers, "Sir, my mum and dad were married on the same day."
* * *
A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?" "Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer. "Nope," replied the man. "OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you," said the lawyer. "But it's only $500," replied the man. "Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!"
* * *
A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
* * *
A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said, "Sir, you are hereby fined $100." The lawyer stood up and said, "Thanks, your honor, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd..."
* * *


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#29 Yesterday 01:35:21

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 23,801

Re: Very short jokes!

Little Johnny is making faces at school. The teacher catches him at it and says, “You know when I was little and made faces, my dad told me a secret.
And that is that when you keep making faces, your face finally can’t go back and you end up really ugly.”
Little Johnny quiets and says, “Well, at least you were warned…”
* * *
What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer?
They both lose efficiency as soon as you open windows.
* * *
A man was walking down the street and saw a sign in a store window that said "Help Wanted," so the man ran in the store and yelled out, "What's wrong?!"
* * *
Q: What do you do with a sick boat?
A: Take it to the doc.
* * *
Jim, Scott and Alex are tired after traveling all day and check into a hotel. When they get to reception, they find out they'll have to walk 75 flights of stairs to get to their room because the elevator is out of order. Jim suggests that they do something interesting to pass time while they walk the 75 flights. Jim will tell jokes, Scott will sing songs, and Alex will tell sad stories. So Jim tells jokes for 25 flights, Scott sings songs for 25 flights and Alex tells sad stories for 24 flights. When they reach the 75th floor, Alex tells his saddest story of all, "Guys, I left our room key at reception."
* * *
Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!" "I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."
* * *
Being an astronaut is funny. It's the only job where you get fired before you start work.
* * *
A disciple went to his master and said, "I have served you faithfully for ten years. Now I have a wish: give me something to eat which will never end." His master said, "Here, have some chewing gum."
* * *
A man is filling up his car tank with gasoline and accidentally gets some on his hand. He doesn't notice it, so when he gets into his car he lights a cigarette. His arm instantly catches on fire. The man sticks his arm out the window and begins to wave it around attempting to blow out the flames crawling up his sleeve. A policeman sees the man struggling with his arm on fire and arrests him on the spot for an unlicensed firearm.
* * *
Lady: "Is this my train?"
Station Master: "No, it belongs to the railway company."
Lady: "Don’t try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New York."
Station Master: "No Madam, I’m afraid it’s too heavy."
* * *


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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