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#26 2018-02-19 01:27:54

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 26,170

Re: Very short jokes!

Son: "Is this insecticide good for mosquito?"
Dad: "Not at all, it kills them!"
* * *
Daughter to her dad: "What is it?"
Dad: “It” is a pronoun.
* * *
A guy is stopped on the road by traffic police. The police officer asks him to open his trunk – and sees 2 penguins sitting inside. The officer is shocked and says to the guy, “Sir, you’ve got to takes those two to the Zoo right away!” The guy agrees and leaves.
The next day – same place, same police officer – he is stopped again. The officer again asks him to open his trunk, and to his confusion, there are the two penguins sitting again, today with swimming hats on their heads. The officer says, “I told you yesterday that you have to take them to the Zoo, didn’t I?!”
“And I did take them to the Zoo, just like you said. And today we’re going swimming.”
* * *
Q: What can you serve but should never eat?
A: A tennis ball.
* * *
Father: And, how do you like going to school?
Son: Well, the going bit is OK, the coming home bit is fine too, but the time in between kind of ruins it!
* * *
80 chimneys plus 5 chimneys plus 8 chimneys.
What is the result?
Lots of smoke.
* * *
Teacher: "You got a zero in the last exam."
Roger: "I don’t think I deserve a zero!"
Teacher: "Neither do I. But I can’t go any lower than that."
* * *
Little Kenny is about to have a big test and his father says: “You better study real good boy, ‘cause if you don’t pass that test, you can forget that you’re my son!”
The next day Kenny comes home and his dad asks him how he did in the test.
Kenny looks at him and says, “And who are you, dude?”
* * *


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#27 2018-02-19 23:32:46

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 26,170

Re: Very short jokes!

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
* * *
What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A Maybe!
* * *
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
* * *
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
* * *
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did..   
* * *
A teacher is talking to a student.
Teacher: Did you father help you with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.
* * *
Q: How do you count cows?
A: With a cowculator.
* * *
Teacher: "Name a bird with wings but can't fly."
Student: "A dead bird, sir."
* * *
Q: What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A: A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
* * *
Q: What did the spider do on the computer?
A: Made a website!
* * *
Waiter: "Do you want any dessert?"
Teddy Bear: "No Thanks. I'm Stuffed!"
* * *   
A farmer and his brand new bride are riding home in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbles.
The farmer says, "That's once."
A little further along, the horse stumbles again.
The farmer says, "That's twice."
When the old horse stumbles again, the farmer quietly reaches under his seat, pulls out a shotgun, and shoots the horse.
His brand new bride yells, "That was an awful thing to do!"
The farmer says, "That's once."
* * *
A baby snake asked it's mom, "Mommy are we poisonous?"
The mother snake responded, "Yes honey, but why do you want to know?"
The baby snake responded, "Because I just bit myself..."
* * *
Q: Why are fish easy to weigh?
A: Because they have their own scales.
* * *
Q: Where do sharks go on their holidays?
A: Finland.
* * *


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#28 2018-02-20 23:37:51

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 26,170

Re: Very short jokes!

Marriage is an institution of three rings. Engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.
* * *
Teacher asks Little Johnny, “Johnny, how old is your father?”
“He’s as old as me,” Johnny informs her.
“Now how would that be possible?” inquires the surprised teacher.
“Well – he became father the day I was born.”
* * *
During an English lesson, the teacher asks, "Can anyone give me an example for the word ‘COINCIDENCE’?”
Little Johnny volunteers, "Sir, my mum and dad were married on the same day."
* * *
A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?" "Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer. "Nope," replied the man. "OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you," said the lawyer. "But it's only $500," replied the man. "Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!"
* * *
A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
* * *
A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said, "Sir, you are hereby fined $100." The lawyer stood up and said, "Thanks, your honor, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd..."
* * *


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#29 2018-02-21 01:35:21

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 26,170

Re: Very short jokes!

Little Johnny is making faces at school. The teacher catches him at it and says, “You know when I was little and made faces, my dad told me a secret.
And that is that when you keep making faces, your face finally can’t go back and you end up really ugly.”
Little Johnny quiets and says, “Well, at least you were warned…”
* * *
What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer?
They both lose efficiency as soon as you open windows.
* * *
A man was walking down the street and saw a sign in a store window that said "Help Wanted," so the man ran in the store and yelled out, "What's wrong?!"
* * *
Q: What do you do with a sick boat?
A: Take it to the doc.
* * *
Jim, Scott and Alex are tired after traveling all day and check into a hotel. When they get to reception, they find out they'll have to walk 75 flights of stairs to get to their room because the elevator is out of order. Jim suggests that they do something interesting to pass time while they walk the 75 flights. Jim will tell jokes, Scott will sing songs, and Alex will tell sad stories. So Jim tells jokes for 25 flights, Scott sings songs for 25 flights and Alex tells sad stories for 24 flights. When they reach the 75th floor, Alex tells his saddest story of all, "Guys, I left our room key at reception."
* * *
Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!" "I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."
* * *
Being an astronaut is funny. It's the only job where you get fired before you start work.
* * *
A disciple went to his master and said, "I have served you faithfully for ten years. Now I have a wish: give me something to eat which will never end." His master said, "Here, have some chewing gum."
* * *
A man is filling up his car tank with gasoline and accidentally gets some on his hand. He doesn't notice it, so when he gets into his car he lights a cigarette. His arm instantly catches on fire. The man sticks his arm out the window and begins to wave it around attempting to blow out the flames crawling up his sleeve. A policeman sees the man struggling with his arm on fire and arrests him on the spot for an unlicensed firearm.
* * *
Lady: "Is this my train?"
Station Master: "No, it belongs to the railway company."
Lady: "Don’t try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New York."
Station Master: "No Madam, I’m afraid it’s too heavy."
* * *


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#30 2018-02-27 19:08:17

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 26,170

Re: Very short jokes!

A man walked into a coffee shop and took a seat by the window. Before he could order anything, the bowl of chips in front of him says, ‘Hi there you handsome fellow, you look real good today!’
The man ignores the bowl of chips and orders a cool cappuccino shake. Suddenly the bowl of chips says, ‘Oh wow, good choice there fella! You’re a really smart guy!’
The man started to freak out and called back the waiter,
‘What’s going on here? This bowl of chips keeps telling nice things about me!’
The waiter smiles and replies, ‘don’t worry about it Sir, the chips are complimentary!’
* * *
Alex was attending his first interview to intern as a Math teacher at school. The Principal of the school called him in for an interview.
He asked Alex to take a seat and looked through his Curriculum Vitae. He looked at Alex and asks him, ‘I see that you have mentioned here you are extremely quick at math.’
Alex replies, ‘Why yes sir, as a matter of fact, I am!’
The Principal looked him over and said, ‘Well then let’s put it to the test, shall we? Answer what is fourteen times fifty?’
Alex quickly replied, ’A hundred and Thirty Five!’
The Principal said, ‘Alex that’s not even close!’
Alex looked at him innocently and replied, ‘Yes sir, but I was fast, wasn’t I?'
* * *
Coach: "Why are you late for the game?"
Caterpillar: "I had to put my shoes on."
* * *
Where do you take a sick horse? To the horse-pital!!!
* * *
A guy hears a knock on his door. He opens the door, sees a snail, then picks it up and chucks it as far as possible. Three years later, he hears a knock on his door, opens the door, and sees the same snail. The snail says, "Hey man, what did you do that for?!"
* * *
What did the doctor say when a pony came in complaining about a sore throat? "I know what's wrong here; you're just a little hoarse!"
* * *
A snail entered a police station and told an officer, "I just got mugged by two turtles. They beat me up and took all my money!" The officer replied, "Why that's terrible. Did you get a good look at them?" "No sir, it all happened so fast!"
* * *
A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"
* * *
Bob asked, "What do you think who has the best eyesight?"
Jim replied, "Birds have the best eyesight." Bob asked, "Why?"
Jim replied, "Because birds don't need to wear glasses."
* * *


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#31 2018-03-10 22:01:19

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 26,170

Re: Very short jokes!

Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me.
I thought it was a nice jester.
* * *
There was an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
De-Brie everywhere.
* * *
Age is a relative thing.
All my relatives keep reminding me how old I am.
* * *
Person 1: Do you know how to use Outlook?
Person 2: As a matter of fact, I Excel at it.
* * *
Analyst: I can give you the numbers, but you can’t go public with it.
Marketing Manager: I’m not going to go public with it. I’ll just present it at a meeting.
Analyst: Who’s going to be at the meeting?
Marketing Manager: It’s a stakeholder meeting. So whoever wants to come. You know, it’s open to the public.
* * *
I sent a reminder to a client that it was time to visit the eye doctor.
He called back to inform me that he would not be coming in because, as he put it, “I have a new obstetrician.”
* * *
When my grandson Gavin was 4 years old, he loved to “play” the piano.
Once, when he was done, we forgot to close the lid to the keys.
As we walked by later he said, “I better close the piano or the boogeyman will play some scary songs.”
* * *
A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?"
The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"
* * *
I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length.
Must be some kind of milestone.
* * *
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
* * *


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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