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. . . . . . . . Nursery Rhymes for Engineers - 1
A female of the Homo Sapiens species was the possessor
of a small immature ruminant of the genus Ovis,
the outermost covering of which reflected all wavelengths of visible light
with a luminosity equal to that of a mass of naturally occuring
microscopically crystalline water.
Regardless of the transitional pathway
chosen by the Homo Sapiens female,
there was a 100% probability that
the forementioned ruminant would select the same pathway.
A human female, extreme captious and given to opposed behavior,
was questioned as to the dynamic state of her cultivated tract of land
used for production of various types of flora.
The tract components were enumerated as:
. . argentous tone-producing agents,
. . a rare species of oceanic growth,
. . and pulchritudinous young females situtated in a linear orientation
A male human of undetermined age and desginated
by an alliterative epithet with connotations of edible materials,
offered osculatory attentions to an undesignated number of
young human females, resulting in lacrymatory responses by said females.
Subsequent emergence of the females from their indoor confinement
with intentions of recreational activity
was accompanied by the precipitant self-conveyance
of the male subject from the vicinity.
A young female, not in a state of wedlock,
occupied a small supportive structure,
simultaneously undertaking consumption of nutriments comprising:
. . (a) the coagulated portion of lactic fluid
. . (b) the aqueous residue of conagulated lactic fluid.
The unforseen approach of an arachnid followed
by establishment of the arachnid upon the supportive structure
in close proximity to the subject caused severe trauma in said subject,
resulting in rapid self- translation of the subject from the environs.
Complications arose during an investigation of dietary influences,
one researcher was unable to assimilate adipose tissue,
and another was unable to consume tissue consisting chiefly of muscle fiber.
By a reciprocal agreement between the two researchers,
total consumption of the viands under consideration was achieved,
thus leaving the original container of the viands devoid of contents.
A tirual chant concerning (a) a small British coin and (b) a small
pouch incorporated as an integral part of an item of clothing,
said pouch being charged to its full capacity of a hardy cereal grain,
preceded the preparation of a baked crusted nutritive composition
comprising 24.00 avian creatures of the species Turdus merula.
Upon termination of the close state of said crusted composition,
the avian creatures commenced a melodic performance,
resulting in the entire composition being considered of a choice nature
befitting presentation to a personage of royal lineage.
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. . . . . A Guide to Singin' the Blues
Most Blues begin with, "Woke up this mornin' . . . "
"I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues
unless you stick something nasty in the next line,
like "I got a good woman with the meanest face in town."
The Blues is simple.
After you get the first line right, repeat it.
Then find something that rhymes (sort of):
"Got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
Yeah, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
Got teeth like a gator and she weigh five hundred pound."
The Blues is not about choice.
You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch.
They ain't no way out.
Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks.
Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs or SUVs.
Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train.
Jet aircraft and motor pools ain't even in the running.
Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle.
So does fixin' to die.
Teenagers can't sing the Blues. .They ain't fixin' to die.
Adults sing the Blues. . In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough
to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anyplace in Canada.
Hard times in Minnesota or Seattle is probably just clinical depression.
Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still great places to have the Blues.
You can't have the Blues anyplace that don't get rain.
A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues.
A woman with male pattern baldness is.
Breaking your leg while playing squash is not the Blues.
Breaking your leg 'cause a gator be chompin' on it is.
You can't get no Blues in an office or a shopping mall.
Go out to the parking lot and sit by the dumpster.
Good places for the Blues:
. . a) highway
. . b) jailhuse
. . c) empty bed
. . d) bottom of a whiskey glass
Bad places for the Blues:
. . a) Wine tasting parties
. . b) Starbucks
. . c) Ivy League colleges
. . d) Golf courses
No one will believe it's the Blues, if you wear a suit,
unless you happen to be an ethnic person and you slept in it.
Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
. . a) you older than dirt
. . b) you blind
. . c) you shot a man in Memphis
. . d) you can't be satisfied
No, if:
. . a) you have all your teeth
. . b) you have carpal tunnel syndrome
. . c) the man in Memphis lived
. . d) you have a 401k or trust fund
Blues is not a matter of color; it's a matter of bad luck.
Tiger Woods can't sing the Blues; Mike Tyson can.
Ugly people get a leg-up on the Blues.
If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you Clorox, it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
. . a) cheap wine
. . b) whiskey or bougon
. . c) muddy water
. . d) nasty black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
. . a) Coca-Cola
. . b) Evian
. . c) Gatorade
. . d) Anything with a cork
If death occurs in a cheap motel, it's a Blues death.
Stabbed by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die.
So are the electric chair, substance abuse
and dyin' lonely on a broken-down cot.
You can't have Blues death during a tennis match
or while having liposuction.
Some Blues names for women:
. . a) Sadie
. . b) Big Mama
. . c) Bessie
. . d) Fat River Dumplin'
Some Blues names for men:
. . a) Joe
. . b) Willie
. . c) Pete
. . d) Junior
People with names like Amber, Courtney, Tiffany, and Heather,
or Derek, Clive, Randall, Cameron, and Spenser
can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shot in Memphis.
Make your own Blues name with this starter kit:
. . a) Name of physiucal infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
. . b) First name, plus name of a fruit (Lime, Lemon, etc.)
. . c) last name a President (Jefferson, Jackson, Johnson, etc.)
Examples: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jackleg Lemon Johnson
No matter how tragic your life,
or how many men you shot in Memphis,
if you own a computer, you can't sing the Blues.
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. . . . . UNIFIED FIELD THEORY
. . . . . . . . by Tim Joseph
In the Beginning there was Aristotle,
And objects at rest tended to remain at rest,
And objects in motion tended to come to rest,
And soon everything was at rest.
And God saw that it was boring.
Then God created Newton,
And objects at rest tended to remain at rest,
And objects in motion tended to remain in motion,
And energy was conserved, and momentum was conserved.
. . and matter was conserved.
And God saw it it was conservative.
Then God created Einstein,
And everything was relative,
And fast things became short,
And straight things became curved,
And the universe was filled with inertial frames.
And God saw that it was relatively general,
. . but some of it was especially relative.
Then God created Bohr,
And there was the principle,
And the principle was quantum,
And all things were quantified,
But some things were still relative.
And God saw that it was confusing.
Then God was going to create Ferguson,
And Ferguson would have unified,
And we would have fielded a theory,
And all would have bee one.
But it was the seventh day,
And God rested.
And objects at rest tend to remain at rest.
.
. .
I believe it was called a Rolls-Canardly.
It rolls down one hill . . . and canardly get up the next.
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An old joke . . .
"How many is a brizillion?"
"A what?"
"I just heard it on the news:
. . Two brizillion soldiers were injured."
Another oldie:
Milli-Helen: amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
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. . . . . A Mind Reading Trick
1. Choose any two positive integers; write them in a column.
2. Add the two numbers; write the sum on the third line.
3. Add the last two numbers; write the sum on the next time.
4. Repeat step 3 until you have a list of 20 numbers.
5. Select any one of the last five numbers.
6. Divide by the preceding number.
7. Concentrate on that quotient.
. . . . . . Summary
You began with any two integers.
. . I have no idea what they were.
You made a list of twenty sums.
. . There is no way I could predict your list.
You selected one of the numbers.
. . Which one? .I don't know.
You divided by the preceding number.
. . No clue that number either.
Yet I can divine your final quotient.
It begins: .One - point - six - one - eight - zero - three . . .
(Are you impressed?)
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. . . . . . . . .
Hello, everyone!
Someone already explained the "trick" to this classic puzzle.
It is usually given in a variety of forms:
. . "Cut a hole in a standard playing card so that it will fit over your head."
. . "Cut a hole in a sheet of typing paper so that you can walk through it."
Fold the paper lengthwise.
*-----------------------*
| |
| |
| |
| |
| |
* - - - - - - - - - - - * ← fold
.
Along the fold, make several cuts across the paper
. . but not all the way across.
*-----------------------*
| |
| | | | |
| | | | |
| | | | |
| | | | |
* - * - - - * - - - * - *
.
Along the outside edge make several cuts between the first cuts,
. . again, not all the way across.
*-------*-------*-------*
| | | |
| | | | | | |
| | | | | | |
| | | | | | |
| | | | |
* - * - - - * - - - * - *
.
Cut along the fold between the first and last cuts.
*-------*-------*-------*
| | | |
| | | | | | |
| | | | | | |
| | | | | | |
| | | | |
* - *-------*-------* - *
: ← ← cut → → :
.
Unfold the paper carefully.
You will have a "ring" of paper.
The ring can be made larger by applying more cuts.
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from Blackbeard Lending!
Can't start smoking?
We can help.
Strumpets, harlots and unrepentent slatterns
desireth to meet thee!
Discount maile-order leeches
delivered by plaine browne buggy to your home
without a barber's prescription!
Augmenteth thy codpiece!
Buy your own island now
with no trinkets down!
Urgent! Virus Alert!
Don't open your city gates
for giant wooden horses!
On Boot's children's cough medicine:
"Do not drive car or operate machinery."
On a Korean kitchen knife:
"Warning: Keep out of children"
On a bag of Fritos:
"You could be a winner!
No purchase necessary.
Detail inside."
Some are deliberately humorous.
On a laser pointer:
"Do not look into laser with remaining eye."
Sign in a high-explosive storage area:
"This is a no smoking area.
If you must smoke, please exit quickly
through the hole that will appear in the ceiling."
. . .
But there is no pattern . . . these are coincidences.
However, the following is a valid pattern:
I heard my first dumb-&-dumber joke on the playground:
. . "He's so dumb, he thinks a football coach has four wheels."
. . "That's really dumb! How many wheels does it have?"
Bubba and Junior are putting up drywall.
Bubba keeps hearing "plink", "plonk" behind him.
He looks and sees that Junior is throwing away every other nail.
"What are you doing?"
"Some of these nails have the points on the wrong end."
"You idiot! .They're for the other wall."
Bubba and Junior rent a boat and go fishing.
They have a successful day and are driving home.
"Boy, that was fun! .I hope I can remember that spot."
"Don't worry. .I put a big 'X' on the side of the boat to mark it."
"That's stupid! .Suppose we don't get the same boat?"
Bubba and Junior are staring up at a flagpole and a woman walks by.
"What are you doing, guys?"
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole but we don't have a ladder."
The woman takes a wrench out of her purse, loosens a few bolts and lays the pole on the ground.
She uses her tape measure, announces "Twelve feet, six inches" and walks off.
Bubba and Junior shake their heads.
"Ain't that just like a woman. .We want the height and she gives us the length."
Bubba and Junior were told to lead the mule into the barn.
Approaching the door, they saw that the mule's ears would hit the top of the door.
"He won't fit," said Bubba, "What'll we do?"
So they sat down and thought about it. .A half-hour went by ... an hour ...
"I know!" said Junior, "We'll dig a trench and let the mule walk in it."
"That won't work," said Bubba, "It's his ears that are too long, not his legs.