. . . . . A Guide to Singin' the Blues
Most Blues begin with, "Woke up this mornin' . . . "
"I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues
unless you stick something nasty in the next line,
like "I got a good woman with the meanest face in town."
The Blues is simple.
After you get the first line right, repeat it.
Then find something that rhymes (sort of):
"Got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
Yeah, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
Got teeth like a gator and she weigh five hundred pound."
The Blues is not about choice.
You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch.
They ain't no way out.
Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks.
Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs or SUVs.
Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train.
Jet aircraft and motor pools ain't even in the running.
Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle.
So does fixin' to die.
Teenagers can't sing the Blues. .They ain't fixin' to die.
Adults sing the Blues. . In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough
to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anyplace in Canada.
Hard times in Minnesota or Seattle is probably just clinical depression.
Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still great places to have the Blues.
You can't have the Blues anyplace that don't get rain.
A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues.
A woman with male pattern baldness is.
Breaking your leg while playing squash is not the Blues.
Breaking your leg 'cause a gator be chompin' on it is.
You can't get no Blues in an office or a shopping mall.
Go out to the parking lot and sit by the dumpster.
Good places for the Blues:
. . a) highway
. . b) jailhuse
. . c) empty bed
. . d) bottom of a whiskey glass
Bad places for the Blues:
. . a) Wine tasting parties
. . b) Starbucks
. . c) Ivy League colleges
. . d) Golf courses
No one will believe it's the Blues, if you wear a suit,
unless you happen to be an ethnic person and you slept in it.
Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
. . a) you older than dirt
. . b) you blind
. . c) you shot a man in Memphis
. . d) you can't be satisfied
. . a) you have all your teeth
. . b) you have carpal tunnel syndrome
. . c) the man in Memphis lived
. . d) you have a 401k or trust fund
Blues is not a matter of color; it's a matter of bad luck.
Tiger Woods can't sing the Blues; Mike Tyson can.
Ugly people get a leg-up on the Blues.
If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you Clorox, it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
. . a) cheap wine
. . b) whiskey or bougon
. . c) muddy water
. . d) nasty black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
. . a) Coca-Cola
. . b) Evian
. . c) Gatorade
. . d) Anything with a cork
If death occurs in a cheap motel, it's a Blues death.
Stabbed by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die.
So are the electric chair, substance abuse
and dyin' lonely on a broken-down cot.
You can't have Blues death during a tennis match
or while having liposuction.
Some Blues names for women:
. . a) Sadie
. . b) Big Mama
. . c) Bessie
. . d) Fat River Dumplin'
Some Blues names for men:
. . a) Joe
. . b) Willie
. . c) Pete
. . d) Junior
People with names like Amber, Courtney, Tiffany, and Heather,
or Derek, Clive, Randall, Cameron, and Spenser
can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shot in Memphis.
Make your own Blues name with this starter kit:
. . a) Name of physiucal infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
. . b) First name, plus name of a fruit (Lime, Lemon, etc.)
. . c) last name a President (Jefferson, Jackson, Johnson, etc.)
Examples: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jackleg Lemon Johnson
No matter how tragic your life,
or how many men you shot in Memphis,
if you own a computer, you can't sing the Blues.