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**ganesh****Administrator**- Registered: 2005-06-28
- Posts: 29,728

An engineer, a chemist and a mathematician are staying in three adjoining cabins at an old motel. First the engineer's coffee maker catches fire. He smells the smoke, wakes up, unplugs the coffee maker, throws it out the window, and goes back to sleep.

**Later that night the chemist smells smoke too. He wakes up and sees that a cigarette butt has set the trash can on fire. He says to himself, "Hmm. How does one put out a fire? One can reduce the temperature of the fuel below the flash point, isolate the burning material from oxygen, or both. This could be accomplished by applying water." So he picks up the trash can, puts it in the shower stall, turns on the water, and, when the fire is out, goes back to sleep.**

**The mathematician, of course, has been watching all this out the window. So later, when he finds that his pipe ashes have set the bedsheet on fire, he is not in the least taken aback. He says: "Aha! A solution exists!" and goes back to sleep.**

* * * * * *

Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them, they translate it into their own language, and forthwith it means something entirely different.

* * * * * *

There are three kinds of mathematicians:

those who can count and those who can't.

There are two groups of people in the world;

those who believe that the world can be divided into two groups of people, and those who don't.

There are two groups of people in the world:

Those who can be categorized into one of two groups of people, and those who can't.

* * * * * *

What is the shortest mathematicians joke?

Let epsilon be smaller than zero.

* * * * * *

One day a mathematician decides that he is sick of math. So, he walks down to the fire department and announces that he wants to become a fireman.

The fire chief says, "Well, you look like a good guy. I'd be glad to hire you, but first I have to give you a little test."

The firechief takes the mathematcian to the alley behind the fire department which contains a dumpster, a spigot, and a hose. The chief then says, "OK, you're walking in the alley and you see the dumpster here is on fire. What do you do?"

The mathematician replies, "Well, I hook up the hose to the spigot, turn the water on, and put out the fire."

The chief says, "That's great... perfect. Now I have to ask you just one more question. What do you do if you're walking down the alley and you see the dumpster is not on fire?"

The mathematician puzzles over the question for awhile and he finally says, "I light the dumpster on fire."

The chief yells, "What? That's horrible! Why would you light the dumpster on fire?"

The mathematician replies, "Well, that way I reduce the problem to one I've already solved."

* * * * * *

Two mathematicians are in a bar. The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the waitress. He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer "one third x cubed."

She repeats "one thir -- dex cue"?

He repeats "one third x cubed".

She asks, "one thir dex cuebd?"

"Yes, that's right," he says.

So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, "one thir dex cuebd...".

The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about basic math. He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees. The second man calls over the waitress and asks "what is the integral of x squared?".

The waitress says "one third x cubed" and while walking away, turns back and says over her shoulder "plus a constant!"

* * * * * *

What is "pi"?

Mathematician: Pi is the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter.

Engineer: Pi is about 22/7.

Physicist: Pi is 3.14159 plus or minus 0.000005

Computer Programmer: Pi is 3.141592653589 in double precision.

Nutritionist: You one track math-minded fellows, Pie is a healthy and delicious dessert!

It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi.

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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**Daniel123****Member**- Registered: 2007-05-23
- Posts: 663

Why did the cat fall off the wall?

*Last edited by Daniel123 (2008-08-08 19:58:27)*

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**Monox D. I-Fly****Member**- From: Indonesia
- Registered: 2015-12-02
- Posts: 2,000

ganesh wrote:

One day a mathematician decides that he is sick of math. So, he walks down to the fire department and announces that he wants to become a fireman.

The fire chief says, "Well, you look like a good guy. I'd be glad to hire you, but first I have to give you a little test."The firechief takes the mathematcian to the alley behind the fire department which contains a dumpster, a spigot, and a hose. The chief then says, "OK, you're walking in the alley and you see the dumpster here is on fire. What do you do?"

The mathematician replies, "Well, I hook up the hose to the spigot, turn the water on, and put out the fire."

The chief says, "That's great... perfect. Now I have to ask you just one more question. What do you do if you're walking down the alley and you see the dumpster is not on fire?"

The mathematician puzzles over the question for awhile and he finally says, "I light the dumpster on fire."

The chief yells, "What? That's horrible! Why would you light the dumpster on fire?"

The mathematician replies, "Well, that way I reduce the problem to one I've already solved."

Wow. It's rare to see a joke which portraits blondes in a positive light.

Actually I never watch Star Wars and not interested in it anyway, but I choose a Yoda card as my avatar in honor of our great friend bobbym who has passed away.

May his adventurous soul rest in peace at heaven.

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**ganesh****Administrator**- Registered: 2005-06-28
- Posts: 29,728

1. Why should you never talk to Pi?

Because she’ll go on and on and on forever.

2. Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?

Because they can’t even.

3. Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?

She’s definitely plotting something.

4. What did the zero say to the eight?

Nice belt!

5. What do you call a number that just can’t keep still?

A roamin’ numeral.

6. Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?

Because they’ll never meet.

7. Are monsters good at math?

Not unless you Count Dracula.

8. Why are obtuse angles so depressed?

Because they’re never right.

9. What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?

Use acute angle.

10. Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

11. How come old math teachers never die?

They tend to just lose some of their functions.

12. My girlfriend is the square root of -100. Why?

She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.

13. How do you stay warm in any room?

Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.

14. Did you hear the one about the statistician?

Probably.

15. What’s the best way to serve pi?

A la mode. Anything else is mean.

16. A farmer counted 297 cows in the field. Why?

But when he rounded them up, he had 300.

17. Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?

It was three feet deep on average.

It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi.

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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**Monox D. I-Fly****Member**- From: Indonesia
- Registered: 2015-12-02
- Posts: 2,000

ganesh wrote:

1. Why should you never talk to Pi?

Because she’ll go on and on and on forever.

So this is why we should never talk to irrational people.

Actually I never watch Star Wars and not interested in it anyway, but I choose a Yoda card as my avatar in honor of our great friend bobbym who has passed away.

May his adventurous soul rest in peace at heaven.

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**ganesh****Administrator**- Registered: 2005-06-28
- Posts: 29,728

Yes.

18. Why don’t calculus major throw house parties?

Because they know firsthand that it’s a bad idea to drive and derive.

19. Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?

To get to the same side.

20. Why do math teachers love parks so much?

Because of all the natural logs.

21. How do you do math in your head?

Just use imaginary numbers.

22. Why was the math lecture so long?

The professor kept going off on a tangent.

23. How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?

One—she just gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that’s already been solved.

24. Why do plants hate math?

Because it gives them square roots.

25. Why are math books so darn depressing?

They’re literally filled with problems.

26. Why does algebra make you a better dancer?

Because you can use algo-rhythm.

27. What kind of snake does your math teacher probably own?

A pi-thon.

28. What’s the best place to do math homework?

On a multiplication table.

29. How do you get from point A to point B?

Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.

30. How do you make seven an even number?

Just remove the “s.”

31. Where do mathematicians like to party?

In bar graphs.

It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi.

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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**Monox D. I-Fly****Member**- From: Indonesia
- Registered: 2015-12-02
- Posts: 2,000

ganesh wrote:

6. Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?

Because they’ll never meet.

Not as sad as asymptotes, though.

Actually I never watch Star Wars and not interested in it anyway, but I choose a Yoda card as my avatar in honor of our great friend bobbym who has passed away.

May his adventurous soul rest in peace at heaven.

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**ganesh****Administrator**- Registered: 2005-06-28
- Posts: 29,728

Fortunately!

32. Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?

It’s really as easy as pi!

33. What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?

They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.

34. Why should you never mention the number 288?

Because it’s two gross.

35. What do you call dudes who love math?

Algebros.

36. What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?

3.14

37. Why is six afraid of seven?

Because seven eight nine!

38. Why DID seven eat nine?

Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!

39. Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?

Because they always knew X was 10.

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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**Monox D. I-Fly****Member**- From: Indonesia
- Registered: 2015-12-02
- Posts: 2,000

ganesh wrote:

8. Why are obtuse angles so depressed?

Because they’re never right.9. What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?

Use acute angle.

But the acute angle is also depressed because it's never right either...

May his adventurous soul rest in peace at heaven.

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**ganesh****Administrator**- Registered: 2005-06-28
- Posts: 29,728

True.

40. Why do they never serve beer at a math party?

Because you can’t drink and derive…

41. Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?

His parents wouldn’t Cosine.

42. Why was the math book sad?

Because it had so many problems.

43. Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?

Because it was over 90 degrees.

44. Why do plants hate math?

Because it gives them square roots.

45. What do you call an angle that is adorable?

Acute angle.

46. Why does nobody talk to circles?

Because there is no point!

47. Why didn’t Bob drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it?

It was too cubed.

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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