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#1 2018-08-27 21:24:43

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 26,277

One Liners : Part II

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
* * *
Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
* * *
Maybe if we start telling people the brain is an app they will start using it.
* * *
Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.
* * *
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
* * *
In the sentence of life, the devil may be a comma - but never let him be the period.
* * *
If you 're still looking for that one person who will change your life take a look in the mirror.
* * *
Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beautician.
* * *
Talking to a liberal is like trying to explain social media to a 70 years old.
* * *
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
* * *
At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he's adopted?
* * *
The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income.
* * *
Prayer: Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
* * *
Why men's voice is louder than women? Men have an antenna.
* * *
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
* * *
A friend is like a book: you don't need to read all of them, just pick the best ones.
* * *


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#2 2018-08-28 00:29:04

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 26,277

Re: One Liners : Part II

The first step to causing drama is making sure you tell everyone you hate drama.
* * *
Your way sounds super safe and rational. Let's do it my way.
* * *
How can you tell if a man is happy? Who Cares?
* * *
People who want to share their religious or political views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
* * *
What did one ghost say to another ghost? "Do you believe in people?"
* * *
What did the math book say to the psychologist? "Would you like to hear my problems?"
* * *
I'm a humble person, really. I'm actually much greater than I think I am.
* * *
A sports expert is the guy who writes the best alibis for being wrong.
* * *
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
* * *
Secret to success is to know who to blame for your failures.
* * *
I have given up on my stand up comedy routines. Everybody just keeps laughing at me.
* * *
Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack? He only comes once a year.
* * *
A wise dog once told me: "Life is like a box of chocolates... it kills you."
* * *
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said "WHERE"?
* * *
Smart people don't call themselves smart - me included.
* * *
9 out of 10 people are stupid… I'm so glad I'm in the 1%.
* * *
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
* * *
I would tell a swimming joke, but I think it's too watered-down to be funny.
* * *


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#3 2018-08-28 14:54:50

Monox D. I-Fly
Member
From: Indonesia
Registered: 2015-12-02
Posts: 1,281

Re: One Liners : Part II

ganesh wrote:

Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.
* * *

I hate this.


Actually I never watch Star Wars and not interested in it anyway, but I choose a Yoda card as my avatar in honor of our great friend bobbym who has passed away. May his adventurous soul rest in peace at heaven.

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#4 2018-08-28 16:42:31

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 26,277

Re: One Liners : Part II

He can't decide whether to have his visor half open or half closed.
* * *
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
* * *
Drinking too much coffee can cause a latte problems.
* * *
What did the chicken say when it got to the library? "Book book book book book book book..."
* * *
What does a hockey player and a magician have in common? Both do hat tricks!
* * *
One good thing about graduation is that you get to wear a funny hat that makes your brain look larger than it actually is.
* * *
What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming.
* * *
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
* * *
I get most of my daily exercise from shrugging.
* * *
It's funny how one person can make you never trust anybody...
* * *
Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.
* * *
What is a math teacher's favorite sum? Summer!
* * *
A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
* * *
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
* * *
If anything is used to its full potential, it will break.
* * *
I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid.
* * *
I don't like telling dairy jokes 'cause they're always too cheesy.
* * *
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?
* * *


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#5 2018-09-03 19:02:53

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 26,277

Re: One Liners : Part II

I'm at my most amazing when no one is paying attention.
* * *
Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.
* * *
I'm sure there's a supplement I could take or another easy solution to cure my laziness. Someone look into it for me.
* * *
There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
* * *
I came into this world screaming and I still haven't stopped.
* * *
I could never figure out why I was never any good at math!
* * *
What do cannibals do at a wedding? Toast the bride and groom.
* * *
I haven't been ignoring you; I've been prioritizing you.
* * *
Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? It was a grave mistake.
* * *
When do monkeys fall from the sky? During Ape-ril showers!
* * *
Every day two million Americans play tennis and one million of them lose.
* * *
I liked beer so much that my family didn't know I drank until they saw me sober!
* * *
Dogs. Because when everyone looks at you like you're crazy, they look at you like you're amazing.
* * *
Person of the year award has been won by a scarecrow; the judges said he was outstanding in his field.
* * *
Why did the librarian get kicked off the plane? Because it was overbooked.
* * *


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#6 2018-09-04 18:02:47

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 26,277

Re: One Liners : Part II

To the question ‘What are you doing here?' 72% answered negative.
* * *
Why can't pigs tell a joke? Because they're such a bore.
* * *
If I was an operating system, your process would have top priority.
* * *
My dog is completely exhausted from destroying everything in my house
* * *
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
* * *
What's a monster's favorite bean? A human bean.
* * *
How does broccoli use a cellphone? He cauliflower.
* * *
When I was young I did stupid things because I didn't know any better. Now, I know better and do stupid things because I miss being young.
* * *
Girl: My Grandfather lived for 96 years & he never used glasses. Boy: Yeah I know, Few people drink directly from bottle.
* * *
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
* * *
Computer does what you command him to do but not what you want from him.
* * *
God sees everything. Neighbors – even more... Tell me who I am and I will tell you who you are...
* * *
How do teddy bears keep their den cool in summer? They use bear conditioning!
* * *
If a man goes cheats for four times, according to the rules of geometry, he will come home.
* * *
A guy with a stutter died in prison before he could finish his sentence.
* * *
Why should you not make fun of a crippled person? Because he can't stand the jokes.
* * *


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#7 2018-09-06 03:18:31

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 26,277

Re: One Liners : Part II

No man has ever won a game of "Notice anything different about me?"
* * *
I'd advise you graduates to keep your graduation gown. It's the only outfit you might not outgrow.
* * *
Do you know any bird that can write? Pen-guine.
* * *
What did the giraffe say to the zebra when his mom called him home? Zebra later!
* * *
I disapprove of every conspiracy of which I am not a part.
* * *
English is weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
* * *
Trust but verify.
* * *
What did the elephant say to his girlfriend? "I love you a ton!"
* * *
At school I graduated second to a lamp, he was too bright for me.
* * *
Look, if crying doesn't solve the problem, then maybe I'm just not the person you should be asking.
* * *
He's not dead; he's electroencephalographically challenged.
* * *
What is a runner's favourite subject in school? Jog-raphy!
* * *
Identity theft is the most diabolical way someone can compliment you on doing a good job at life.
* **
I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.
* * *
What happened when the two angels got married? They lived harpily ever after!
* * *


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#8 2018-09-06 15:52:03

Monox D. I-Fly
Member
From: Indonesia
Registered: 2015-12-02
Posts: 1,281

Re: One Liners : Part II

ganesh wrote:

God sees everything. Neighbors – even more... Tell me who I am and I will tell you who you are...
* * *

I hate my neighbor. She thinks that she knows me and sees through me, yet in fact she just judges me based on stereotypes.


Actually I never watch Star Wars and not interested in it anyway, but I choose a Yoda card as my avatar in honor of our great friend bobbym who has passed away. May his adventurous soul rest in peace at heaven.

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#9 2018-09-06 20:21:02

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 26,277

Re: One Liners : Part II

Monox D. I-Fly wrote:
ganesh wrote:

God sees everything. Neighbors – even more... Tell me who I am and I will tell you who you are...
* * *

I hate my neighbor. She thinks that she knows me and sees through me, yet in fact she just judges me based on stereotypes.

There may be exceptions to the rule!

* * *
Boy: Have you ever been fishing before? Girl: Why? Boy: I think we should hook up!
* * *
Why couldn't the dinosaur clap his hands? Because they're dead.
* * *
Why did the snowman call his dog Frost ? Because frost bites !
* * *
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
* * *
The plumber told me a hole boring story about pipes.
* * *
Don't make me use UPPERCASE.
* * *
All my party planning skills revolve around exit strategies.
* * *
Why do birds fly south in the Fall? Because it's too far to walk.
* * *
What did the boy cat say to the girl cat on Valentine's Day? You're purrr-fect for me!
* * *
My dear old grandmother always used to say the way to a man's heart was through his stomach, which is why she lost her job as a cardiac surgeon.
* * *
What do you call always having a date for New Year's Eve? Social Security.
* * *
We shouldn't make fun of fat people because they already have enough on their plate.
* * *
British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough, use an ashtray.
* * *
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
* * *


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#10 2018-09-07 14:32:25

Monox D. I-Fly
Member
From: Indonesia
Registered: 2015-12-02
Posts: 1,281

Re: One Liners : Part II

ganesh wrote:
Monox D. I-Fly wrote:
ganesh wrote:

God sees everything. Neighbors – even more... Tell me who I am and I will tell you who you are...
* * *

I hate my neighbor. She thinks that she knows me and sees through me, yet in fact she just judges me based on stereotypes.

There may be exceptions to the rule!

Sorry, haha... Yesterday I just wanted to lash out about her, should have been in Web of Loneliness forum or ADD forum, but math forums are the only forums safe for me to open at work...


Actually I never watch Star Wars and not interested in it anyway, but I choose a Yoda card as my avatar in honor of our great friend bobbym who has passed away. May his adventurous soul rest in peace at heaven.

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#11 2018-09-07 15:23:27

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 26,277

Re: One Liners : Part II

Monox D. I-Fly wrote:
ganesh wrote:
Monox D. I-Fly wrote:

I hate my neighbor. She thinks that she knows me and sees through me, yet in fact she just judges me based on stereotypes.

There may be exceptions to the rule!

Sorry, haha... Yesterday I just wanted to lash out about her, should have been in Web of Loneliness forum or ADD forum, but math forums are the only forums safe for me to open at work...

Maybe, you are right!

* * *
What does a man who loves his car do on February 14? He gives it a valenshine!
* * *
What kind of tie does a ghost wear to a formal party? A boo-tie.
* * *
Why did the soccer ball quit the team? It was tired of being kicked around.
* * *
A beautiful girl looks good in the background of her smart friend.
* * *
I've been thinking about you...Owl night long.
* * *
Why wasn't the vampire working? He was on his coffin break.
* * *
When I said "I was afraid of the dentist", I meant the bill.
* * *
Where does Dracula keep his valuables? In a blood bank.
* * *
To a young housewife: remember that a small bottle of vodka not only will decorate the table but also will hide your cooking mistakes.
* * *
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry.
* * *
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
* * *
What kind of key opens a casket? A skeleton key.
* * *
Man: "When I bend my arm like this it hurts?"
Doctor: "Well, stop doing it!"
* * *
Put some ash or soot on your fingertip. Casually mention to a friend that he has a spot of dirt on his face as you reach up to remove it. Leave your mark!
* * *
Why do people ask me if I'm "hiding", if I was hiding, you wouldn't see me!
* * *
Why do I always know where to go when I am canoeing? Because I "canoe" it.
* * *
Why did the summer school teacher wear sunglasses? Because her class was so bright!
* * *
Five Secrets of Successful People:1. Don't 2. Tell 3. Anyone 4. Your 5. Secrets.
* * *


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#12 2018-09-08 15:51:20

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 26,277

Re: One Liners : Part II

Do fish get thirsty?
* * *
I like the sound of you not talking.
* * *
Let's walk and talk. You go that way.
* * *
What's a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
* * *
Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.
* * *
We never knew he was a drunk... until he showed up to work sober.
* * *
What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a dentist? A dentist lets you sit down while he hurts you.
* * *
Save money by sleeping a lot.
* * *
What cake makes you feel uncomfortable? Stomachache.
* * *
I hate when people ask for likes... Like if you agree!
* * *
Did you hear about the bonfire? I heard it was lit.
* * *
If you want your dreams to be as fascinating to other people as they are to you, don't mention it's a dream until the end of the story.
* * *
Seminar "How to avoid frauds" is canceled. Tickets are non-refundable.
* * *
What's the difference between a mechanic and a doctor? A mechanic fixes his mistakes... A doctor buries his.
* * *


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#13 2018-09-09 22:21:26

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 26,277

Re: One Liners : Part II

I'm never wrong! One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken!
* * *
I'm rubber and you're glue. She's tape. He's a stapler. Those guys are paper clips. All my friends are office supplies.
* * *
You're riding the crest of a slump?
* * *
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
* * *
There were plenty of lookers-on but no witnesses.
* * *
Autocorrect changed Morning Run to Morning Rum. Change Of Plans, Guys!
* * *
If a giraffe had a sore throat, how many lozenges would it need to make it better?
* * *
What sound does a bouncing plane make? Boeing.
* * *
Not to brag, but I still fit into the lack of enthusiasm I had in high school.
* * *
Some people only gets called by their nicknames. Usually it sounds weird to even say their real name.
* * *
It's a pleasure to see you and another – not to see.
* * *
I've got a new anorexic girlfriend. It's not going too well though. I'm just seeing less and less of her...
* * *
Fat people are lucky - they get to eat whatever they want and not worry about getting fat.
* * *
I'm not a Facebook status, you don't have to like me.
* * *
Her love makes my world go round.
* * *


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#14 2018-09-10 17:12:11

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 26,277

Re: One Liners : Part II

The trick to really enjoying someone's company is to not spend a lot of time with them.
* * *
I can't decide which room not to clean first.
* * *
Don't drink and drive because you might spill the drink.
* * *
If good things come in small packages, then more good things can come in large packages.
* * *
I went to school without my shoes today. I got shoe-spended for a week.
* * *
The only dates I get these days are software updates.
* * *
Do you know how much a polar bear weighs? (no) me neither but enough to break the ice, hi my name is .....
* * *
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed.
* * *
A new poll suggests that most people will likely finish reading any sentence that starts with "A new poll suggests."
* * *
2 reasons I don't give money to homeless people:
1. They would spend it on alcohol.
2. I want to spend it on alcohol.
* * *
Everybody loves success, but they hate successful people.
* * *
If cats could text you back, they wouldn't.
* * *
Where do cows go on their summer vacation? Moo York.
* * *


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#15 2018-09-11 17:32:18

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 26,277

Re: One Liners : Part II

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
* * *
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes.
* * *
What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Yell at her.
* * *
I hate when a couple argues in public; I missed the start and don't know whose side I'm on.
* * *
Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses.
* * *
To the 20 year old girl who wrote an essay claiming she is too pretty to be allowed to lead a normal life:Same.
* * *
Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.
* * *
It is said that, you can't buy happiness. You only need to know the right places...
* * *
To avoid a collision, I ran into the other car.
* * *
I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, you can't prove anything.
* * *
If I buy a soccer ball, will you kick it with me?
* * *
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
* * *
Middle age is when your old classmates are so grey and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
* * *
The most beautiful makeup of a woman is passion. But cosmetics are easier to buy.
* * *
Please spread the word. Sure, no problem! W o r d.
* * *


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#16 2018-09-12 17:02:29

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 26,277

Re: One Liners : Part II

I found a message in a bottle. It said "You drink too much."
* * *
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
* * *
Going apple picking would be cool if you don't know grocery stores exist.
* * *
I am so old I can tell the same joke on facebook every day. Some of my friends are so old, they will think it is a new joke every day.
* * *
My life is a lot like that driver who signals right, but turns left.
* * *
I really lack the words to compliment myself today.
* * *
For me, being "clean and sober" means I'm showered and headed to the pub.
* * *
A man enters a store and says: "15 liters of wine please." "Did you bring a container for this?" "You're speaking to it."
* * *
People always say to do exercise, I do Breathing... Could I be more WORKING!
* * *
They say people couldn't have everything because they don't have enough space to put it, I say 'everything' includes a bag with infinite space so I can put everything in easily.
* * *
Sis wanted a cheese, I gave her D camera and told her to say cheese!
* * *
Useless trying to undo a mistake. Focus your efforts on new ones.
* * *
There is no "me" in team. No, wait, yes there is!
* * *


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#17 2018-09-13 16:00:05

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 26,277

Re: One Liners : Part II

How does a network administrator nerd greet people who come to his house? Welcome to 127.0.0.1.
* * *
You're not sure – outrun and make sure.
* * *
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break up
No pressure.
* * *
You: "There are 22 letters in the alphabet..."
Them: "No, there are 26..."
You: "Sorry, I forgot U R Q T".
* * *
I hate the part of the conversation where the other person says things.
* * *
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
* * *
I think therefore I can't get anything done.
* * *
I don't need a reason to enjoy a little wine. I just need a glass.
* * *
In principle, I can stop drinking, the thing is – I don't have such a principle.
* * *
You cannot eat me unless you spread me. -Butter
* * *


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#18 2018-09-13 20:34:13

Monox D. I-Fly
Member
From: Indonesia
Registered: 2015-12-02
Posts: 1,281

Re: One Liners : Part II

ganesh wrote:

You: "There are 22 letters in the alphabet..."
Them: "No, there are 26..."
You: "Sorry, I forgot U R Q T".
* * *

I can see someday if I try to flirt using this line and forgot what I am about to say and that list them according to their order: Q, R, T, U and the girl goes "huh?".


Actually I never watch Star Wars and not interested in it anyway, but I choose a Yoda card as my avatar in honor of our great friend bobbym who has passed away. May his adventurous soul rest in peace at heaven.

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#19 2018-09-13 22:34:37

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 26,277

Re: One Liners : Part II

Monox D. I-Fly wrote:
ganesh wrote:

You: "There are 22 letters in the alphabet..."
Them: "No, there are 26..."
You: "Sorry, I forgot U R Q T".
* * *

I can see someday if I try to flirt using this line and forgot what I am about to say and that list them according to their order: Q, R, T, U and the girl goes "huh?".

smile smile smile

* * *
One cigarette shortens your life by two hours, one bottle of vodka by three hours, and a workday – eight hours.
* * *
Alcohol won't mend a broken heart. But that doesn't mean I won't try it again tonight.
* * *
Oh... Sorry... Did you mistake me for someone who cares?
* * *
Friend: "I don't want to bore you with my problems."
Me: "Awesome, thank you."
* * *
Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.
* * *
There's good climate in heaven, but a better company in hell.
* * *
One day I shall solve my problems with maturity. Today, however, it will be alcohol.
* * *
I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, but I already have one.
* * *
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
* * *
A camel can work 10 days without drinking, I can drink 10 days without working.
* * *
Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly.
* * *
I can't stand being in a wheelchair.
* * *
It's better to have business with a drunk professional than a sober idiot.
* * *
I'm starting a new chapter of AA "Almost Alcoholics", their motto is, "Lets get sober, next week".
* * *
It's better to be a worldwide alcoholic, than an Alcoholic Anonymous.
* * *


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#20 2018-09-17 02:59:52

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 26,277

Re: One Liners : Part II

My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that...
* * *
An optimist believes that we live in the best world. A pessimist is afraid that it might be true.
* * *
God gave us the brain to work out problems. However, we use it to create more problems.
* * *
Before I tell my wife something important, I take both her hands in mine. That way she can't hit me with them.
* * *
Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.
* * *
The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don't have.
* * *
You can make a water-bed more bouncy by using spring water.
* * *
Everything always ends well. If not – it's probably not the end.
* * *
Don't be afraid to stand for what you believe in, even if that means standing alone.
* * *
Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much more for them.
* * *
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
* * *
It was only when I bought a motorbike that I found out that adrenaline is brown.
* * *
If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?
* * *
An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" The student replied, "It is obviously past."
* * *


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#21 2018-09-18 16:29:06

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 26,277

Re: One Liners : Part II

A healthy sleep not only makes your life longer, but also shortens the workday.
* * *
I named my dog 6 miles so I can tell people that I walk 6 miles every single day.
* * *
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
* * *
Occasionally, a true friend gives his paw not his hand...
* * *
The problem with trouble shooting is that trouble shoots back.
* * *
When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
* * *
Your life doesn't get better by chance. It gets better by choice.
* * *
I saw a sign that said "Watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade".
* * *
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.
* * *
The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
* * *
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."
* * *
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment. This is my time to shine.
* * *
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.
* * *
And in her smile I see something more beautiful than the stars.
* * *


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#22 2018-09-19 00:19:15

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 26,277

Re: One Liners : Part II

Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
* * *
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
* * *
When a woman says "what?" It's not because she didn't hear you. She's just giving you a chance to change what you said.
* * *
My wife says she is no longer buying junk food for the family because, "Everyone just eats it."
* * *
Being an adult is just walking around wondering what you're forgetting.
* * *
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
* * *
Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
* * *
Scientists say the universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons, and Electrons. They forgot to mention Morons.
* * *
Why kill time when you can make it work for you?
* * *
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible" "Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
* * *
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
* * *
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you're innocent".
* * *
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
* * *


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#23 2018-09-19 13:08:15

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 26,277

Re: One Liners : Part II

Best friends: Ready to die for each other, but will fight to the death over the last slice of pizza.
* * *
I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me "Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace" So I bought her nothing.
* * *
Retirement is the time in your life when time is no longer money.
* * *
If nothing was learned, nothing was taught.
* * *
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
* * *
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
* * *
I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.
* * *
I think this generation will have to go into separate rooms and text each other to work out their problems.
* * *
I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.
* * *
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
* * *
The deeper the pit you're falling into, the more chance you have to learn how to fly.
* * *
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
* * *
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
* * *
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
* * *


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#24 2018-09-20 13:31:02

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 26,277

Re: One Liners : Part II

I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
* * *
Funny how they say we need to talk when they really mean you need to listen.
* * *
A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking.
* * *
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
* * *
Secret: Something which is told to one person at a time.
* * *
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
* * *
If you had friends like mine, you'd be the luckiest guy in the world!
* * *
The reward for a job well done is more work.
* * *
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
* * *
I'm currently boycotting any company that sells items I can't afford.
* * *
The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.
* * *
Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.
* * *
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
* * *


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#25 2018-09-21 17:09:25

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 26,277

Re: One Liners : Part II

Let me make this simple, I want to be invited but I don't want to go.
* * *
Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.
* * *
A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don't even own bikes...
* * *
Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
* * *
First woman: My son came to visit for summer vacation.
Second woman: How nice! Did you meet him at the airport?
First woman: Oh, no. I've known him for years!
* * *
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
* * *
If you were a triangle, you'd be acute one.
* * *
Wise people think all they say, fools say all they think.
* * *
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts' which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.
* * *
You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.
* * *
When I found out that my toaster wasn't waterproof, I was shocked.
* * *
My love for you is like dividing by zero - it cannot be defined.
* * *
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
* * *
My mind's made up, don't confuse me with facts.
* * *
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
* * *


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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