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#1 2015-01-11 16:46:14

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 23,819

Very short jokes!

1. A plateau is the highest form of flattery.

2. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

3. Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.

4. A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He's now a seasoned veteran.

5. What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but their flag is a huge plus.

6.15. What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

7. How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

8. "I stand corrected," said the man in the orthopedic shoes.

9. Wanna hear a joke about Potassium? (whether they say 'yes' or 'no'): K.

10. There's no "I" in Denial.

11. Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.

12. I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

13. What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador.

14. Have I told you this deja vu joke before?

15. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be...


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#2 2015-01-13 16:54:28

Agnishom
Real Member
From: Riemann Sphere
Registered: 2011-01-29
Posts: 24,845
Website

Re: Very short jokes!

Nice jokes.

Variation on 15: Entropy isn't what it used to be.


'And fun? If maths is fun, then getting a tooth extraction is fun. A viral infection is fun. Rabies shots are fun.'
'God exists because Mathematics is consistent, and the devil exists because we cannot prove it'
I'm not crazy, my mother had me tested.

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#3 2015-01-13 23:13:13

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 23,819

Re: Very short jokes!

Thanks, Agnishom!

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.
Pull yourself together!
*******************
Doctor, doctor, I feel like a bridge.
What's come over you?
Two cars and a bus!
*******************
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spoon.
Sit there and don't stir.
*******************
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a billiard ball.
Get back in the queue.
*******************
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.
*******************
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking there's two of me.
One at a time, please.
********************.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Lie down on the couch and I'll examine you.
I can't. I'm not allowed on the furniture.
*******************


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#4 2015-01-24 02:27:56

pazzle
Member
Registered: 2015-01-24
Posts: 3

Re: Very short jokes!

good jokes. tnx smile

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#5 2015-01-24 16:55:49

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 23,819

Re: Very short jokes!

Thanks, pazzle!

*     *     *     *     *      *

A family took a trip to Disney World. After three exhausting days, they headed home. As they drove away, the son waved and said, “Goodbye, Mickey.”

The daughter waved and said, “Goodbye, Minnie.”

The husband waved, rather weakly, and said, “Goodbye, Money.”

*     *     *     *     *      *

Mrs. Peterson went to the doctor: “I’m terribly worried about my boy. He thinks he’s a chicken.”
The doctor asked, “And how long has this been going on?”
“Almost a year,” Mrs. Peterson replied.
“Well for goodness sakes! Why didn’t you bring him to see me sooner?”
“Because we needed the eggs!”

*     *     *     *     *      *

It was the end of the school year and Joey’s mother asked: “And were the exam questions difficult?”
“They weren’t bad at all,” her son replied. “It was the answers that gave me all the trouble.”

*     *     *     *     *      *

A doctor says to his patient, “I have a bad news and a worse news”.
“Oh dear, what’s the bad news?” – asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That’s terrible,” said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

*     *     *     *     *      *

With a frown wrinkling his forehead, little Johnny was working hard at his father’s desk scratching a pen along a page of his paper. His mother asked, “Are you writing a letter to your little girlfriend, Son?”
“Nope,” he grunted, “It’s a letter to myself.”
“Well,” she smiled, “What are you going to write about?”
“How should I know?” he squeaked, “I haven’t received it yet.”

*     *     *     *     *      *

A man called his friend’s house and a small voice greeted him.
“Is your Daddy there?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“Could I speak with him?”
“He’s busy,” the little voice replied.
“Well, can I speak to your mother?”
“Nope, she is busy, too.”
“Well then, let me talk with your brother.”
“He’s busy, too.”
“For goodness sakes, what are they so busy doing?”
“They are looking for me!”

*     *     *     *     *      *
What can you put in your right hand but not your left?
Your left elbow.


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#6 2015-01-24 22:09:42

Olinguito
Member
Registered: 2014-08-12
Posts: 649

Re: Very short jokes!

I like the chicken joke. big_smile


Bassaricyon neblina

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#7 2015-01-24 22:49:13

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 23,819

Re: Very short jokes!

Thanks, Olinguito!

*     *     *     *     *      *

Escalators don’t break down… they just turn into stairs.

*     *     *     *     *      *

I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

*     *     *     *     *      *

I had a dream I was eating a giant marshmallow, when I woke up my pillow was missing!

*     *     *     *     *      *

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


*     *     *     *     *      *

You can always double your drive space.
How?
By deleting Windows!


*     *     *     *     *      *

But for gravity, I'd be a high-flyer.


*     *     *     *     *      *

Girl: Do you hate me?
Boy: Nope, I don't.. I'm just not necessarily excited about your existence.


*     *     *     *     *      *

Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick!

*     *     *     *     *      *

Where are otters from?
Otter Space

*     *     *     *     *      *

'Are you athletic?' Yes, I surf the Web.

*     *     *     *     *      *

Why is it so hot in a stadium after a football game?
Because all the fans have left.

*     *     *     *     *      *

I am forever alone.. Ops.. Correction, forever available.

*     *     *     *     *      *

So much to do, so little time.

*     *     *     *     *      *

It was love at first site - The love with Internet.

*     *     *     *     *      *


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#8 2015-01-24 23:20:46

Agnishom
Real Member
From: Riemann Sphere
Registered: 2011-01-29
Posts: 24,845
Website

Re: Very short jokes!

You can always double your drive space.
How?
By deleting Window$

Everyone should do that!

Last edited by Agnishom (2015-01-24 23:21:17)


'And fun? If maths is fun, then getting a tooth extraction is fun. A viral infection is fun. Rabies shots are fun.'
'God exists because Mathematics is consistent, and the devil exists because we cannot prove it'
I'm not crazy, my mother had me tested.

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#9 2015-01-25 01:52:49

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 23,819

Re: Very short jokes!

Q: Why did the 30-60-90 triangle marry the 45-45-90 triangle?
A: They were right for each other

Q: Why didn't the Romans find algebra very challenging?
A: Because X was always 10

Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi

Q: Why couldn't the angle get a loan?
A: His parents wouldn't Cosine.

Q: What is a bird's favorite type of math?
A: Owl-gebra

Q: What's the integral of (1/cabin)d(cabin)?
A: A natural log cabin!

Q: What do you call a man who spent all summer at the beach?
A: A Tangent.

Q: Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
A: It was a 'mean' thing to say!

Q: Why did the polynomial plant die?
A: Its roots were imaginary.

Q: Why does nobody talk to circles?
A: Because there is no point!

Q: Which triangles are the coldest?
A: Ice-sosceles triangles

Q: Who invented the Round Table?
A: Sir Cumference

Q: Why is Ms. Radian such a good reporter?
A: She covers the story from every angle.


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#10 2015-05-12 00:02:03

Olinguito
Member
Registered: 2014-08-12
Posts: 649

Re: Very short jokes!

Q: Why did the mushroom go to the party?

A: Because he was a fun guy.


Bassaricyon neblina

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#11 2015-11-10 09:50:41

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 23,819

Re: Very short jokes!

Q: Why are quantum physicists bad lovers?
A: Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.

Q: What did the physicist snack on during lunch?
A: A 'gram' cracker.


Q: What did Donald Duck say in his graduate physics class?
A: Quark, quark, quark!

Q: What did one quantum physicist say when he wanted to fight another quantum physicist?
A: Let me atom

Q: Where does bad light end up?
A: In a prism

Q: What do physicists enjoy doing the most at sporting events?
A: The Wave

Q: What is the name of the first electricity detective?
A: Sherlock Ohms


Q: What did the Nuclear Physicist have for lunch?
A: Fission Chips.

Q: How many theoretical physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two... One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the universe.

Q: Two cats are on a roof. Which one slides off first?
A: The one with the smaller mew!

Q: Why can't you trust an atom?
A: They make up everything


Q: What is the name of the first electricity detective?
A: Sherlock Ohms

Q: What did one uranium-238 nucleus say to the other?
A: "Gotta split!"

Q: What is the simplest way to observe the optical Doppler effect?
A: Go out at and look at cars. The lights of the ones approaching you are white, while the lights of the ones moving away from you are red.

Q: Two cats are on a roof. Which one slides off first?
A: The one with the smaller mew!

Q: How many physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eleven. One to do it and ten to co-author the paper.

Q: What's the difference between an auto mechanic and a quantum mechanic?
A: The quantum mechanic can get the car inside the garage without opening the door.

Q: What is an astronomical unit?
A: One hell of a big apartment!

Q: What happens when electrons lose their energy?
A: They get Bohr'ed.

Q: When was Heisenberg born?
A: Oh, that's very uncertain.

Q: When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?
A: C over lambda.

Q: What did the Higgs Boson say when it was prevented from entering the church?
A: "How can you have mass without me?"

Q: Why is electricity so dangerous?
A: Because it doesn't know how to conduct itself properly.


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#12 2018-01-28 23:59:57

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 23,819

Re: Very short jokes!

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

*   *   *

What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.

*   *   *

A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."

*   *   *

Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.

*   *   *

Q: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?
A: Envelope.

*   *   *

Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"
Student: "A drinking problem."

*   *   *

Q: Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?
A: Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

*   *   *

A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.

*   *   *

A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

*   *   *

Don't break anybody's heart; they only have 1. Break their bones; they have 206.

*   *   *

Q: What do computers eat for a snack?
A: Microchips!

*   *   *

Q: What is the tallest building in the entire world?
A: The library, because it has so many stories.

*   *   *

If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while. They're normally around 90 degrees.

*   *   *

Q: Why did the school kids eat their homework?
A: Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake.

*   *   *

Q: If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?
A: Big hands.

*   *   *

The energizer bunny was arrested on a charge of battery.

*   *   *

Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
A: I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

*   *   *

Q: Why is England the wettest country?
A: Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there.

*   *   *

Q: How do trees access the internet?
A: They log in.

*   *   *

Q: What happens once in a minute and twice in a moment but never in a decade?
A: The letter "m."

*   *   *

Q: Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?
A: Because it’s pointless!

*   *   *

Q: Why is Peter Pan always flying?
A: Because he neverlands.

*   *   *

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
Nobody stands up
Teacher: "I'm sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
Little Johnny stands up
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."

*   *   *

Q. What is the color of the wind?
A. Blew.

*   *   *

Q: What do you call someone without a nose or a body?
A: Nobodynose.

*   *   *

A lot of people cry when they cut an onion. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

*   *   *

Q: What did the banana say to the doctor?
A: "I'm not peeling well."

*   *   *

Q: What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A: A waist of time.

*   *   *
Q: What's a frog's favorite drink?
A: Croak-a cola.

* * *
Q: Did you hear about oxygen's second date with potassium?
A: It was OK2!

* * *
Q: What does a cat like to eat with birthday cake?
A: Mice cream!

* * *
Q: Why did the fish cross the sea?
A: To get to the other tide.

* * *
Q: What do you get if you cross a horse with a bee?
A: Neigh buzz.

* * *
Q: Why do pirates only have 1 eye?
A: Because in the word pirate there is only one i.

* * *
A prisoner was freed from prison and yelled: I'm free, I'm free at last!" and a kid replied "So what? I'm four"

* * *
Conjunctivitis.com: a site for sore eyes.

* * *
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It is very time consuming.

* * *
A teacher was testing her students' knowledge of words' antonyms. She asked, "What is the opposite go?" A student answered, "Stop." "Very good," the teacher replied. "What is the opposite of adamant?" Another student said, "Eveant."

* * *
Teacher: "Why does a stone sink in water when you thrown it in?"
Student: "Because it does not know how to swim."

* * *
Lady: "Is this my train?"
Station Master: "No, it belongs to the railway company."
Lady: "Don’t try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New York."
Station Master: "No Madam, I’m afraid it’s too heavy."

* * *
What goes up and down stairs with out moving? Carpet.

* * *
I have a phobia of over engineered buildings. I have a complex complex complex.

* * *
What is a question with a different answer every time you're asked?
"What time is it?"

* * *
I’m looking for a bank which can perform two things;
Give me a Loan and then leave me Alone.

* * *
Why don't they play poker in the jungle?
Too many Cheetahs!

* * *


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#13 2018-01-29 01:16:32

Alg Num Theory
Member
Registered: 2017-11-24
Posts: 57
Website

Re: Very short jokes!

Q: What’s the difference between God and women?
A: God can make something out of nothing whereas women are always making nothing out of something.

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#14 2018-01-30 22:25:57

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 23,819

Re: Very short jokes!

"Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was asalted.

@ @ @

Today I gave my dead batteries away....Free of charge.
@ @ @

The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

@ @ @

Hey, I changed my password to incorrect because if I forget, it would say your password is incorrect!

@ @ @

If money doesn’t grow on trees, why do banks have branches?

@ @ @

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

@ @ @

I wonder if earth makes fun of other planets for having no life.

@ @ @

fi yuo cna raed tihs whit no porlbem, yuo aer smrat. Shaer ti whit yuor fienrds.

@ @ @

I hated my job as an origami teacher. Too much paperwork.

@ @ @

I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.

@ @ @

Why is everything delivered by a ship called cargo but if it's delivered by a car it's a shipment?

@ @ @

Why do they call it a hot water heater when you don't have to heat hot water?

@ @ @


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#15 2018-02-01 18:46:26

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 23,819

Re: Very short jokes!

Police officer talks to a driver: Your tail light is broken, your tires must be exchanged and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be 300 dollars.
Driver: Alright, go ahead. They want twice as much as that at the garage.
* * *
Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry.
* * *
A guest calls the waiter and complains, “How come there are no chairs at our table?!”
* * *
The waiter shrugs, “I’m sorry but you only booked one table…”
* * *
A girl asks a boy: "Peter, how much do you love me?"
The boy looks her in the eyes, "Look up at the stars, that's how much I love you."
The girl is confused, “But it’s morning, there are no stars?”
Boy nods, "Exactly!"
* * *
A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number.
* * *
A boy breaks an old vase at a rich uncle‘s house. The uncle gets extremely angry and yells: “Do you even know how old the vase was? It was from the 17th century!” The boy sagged in relief: “Oh, good that it wasn’t new.”
* * *
A man goes to the lawyer: “What is your fee?”
Lawyer says: “1000 US dollars for 3 questions.”
Man: “Wow - so much! Isn’t it a bit expensive?”
Lawyer: “Yes, what is your third question?”
* * *
Police officer: “Your car is too heavily overloaded. I simply cannot let you continue like that. I’m going to have to take away your driver’s license.”
Driver: “You’re kidding me, right? The license can only weigh one ounce tops!”
* * *
Do you want to hear a joke backwards?
Yes…
Very good, start laughing.
* * *
The police stops a computer hardware engineer: “Your light isn’t working. You have to get off your bike.”
IT guy: “I tried that but the light still isn’t working.”
* * *
Why is it a bad idea to insult an octopus?
Because it is well armed.
* * *
“Little Jonny, why did you put your teddy in the freezer?”
“I would like to have a polar bear.”
* * *
When a guy says he likes girls with a sense of humor, he doesn't mean that he wants a girl to be really witty and funny. He means he wants her to laugh at his jokes.
* * *
Mother: Eat your bread.
Child: I don’t like bread. Why do I have to eat the bread.
Mother: So you become big and strong.
Child: Why do I have to become big and strong?
Mother: So you can provide the daily bread to your family.
Child: But I don’t like bread!
* * *
A guy calls the fire department and yells excitedly: “You have to come, now, there’s a fire!”
“OK sir, but please tell us how do we get to you.”
The man asks, puzzled: “What, you don’t have them big red trucks anymore?”
* * *
Hello doctor, can you look at my laptop?
Why?
It looks like it caught a virus.
* * *
“What's the name of your new dog?”
“I don’t know. He won’t tell.”
* * *


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#16 2018-02-04 22:38:24

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 23,819

Re: Very short jokes!

What do you call a pile of kittens?
A meowntain.
* * *
The magical golden fish agreed to grant three men a wish each.
The first man wished for a room full of gold.
The second man wished for a room full of diamonds.
The third man wished for keys to those rooms.
* * *
Why didn’t the dinosaur cross the road?
Because there weren't even any roads during the Jurassic Period!
* * *
Doctor: Hello, did you come to see me with an eye problem?
Patient: Wow, yes, how can you tell?
Doctor: Because you came in through the window instead of the door.
* * *
Two fortune tellers meet. First one says, “We’re going to have a hot summer again.”
The second one sighs happily: “Yes, it reminds me of the summer in 2092…”
* * *
Me: “Do you think it’s strange to talk to yourself?”
Me: “No.”
* * *


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#17 2018-02-05 00:19:48

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 23,819

Re: Very short jokes!

Pessimist: "Things just can't get any worse!"
Optimist: "Nah, of course they can!"
* * *
A nice old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. He’s happy to take some. He asks her after a while why she isn’t having any herself.
“Oh, young man,” she says, “they’re too hard on my poor teeth, I couldn’t.”
“Why did you buy them at all then?” wonders the driver.
“You see, I just love the chocolate they’re covered in!”
* * *
A fat guy and a thin guy meet:
Fat guy: “When I see you, I’d think a famine broke out!”
Thin guy: “And when I see you, I’d think you’re the one responsible for that!”
* * *
If you start to think I talk too much, just tell me. We’ll talk about it.
* * *
Proper spelling and grammar is very important and for instance a coma can totally change the meaning of a statement.
Here’s an example:
"Travis is in a rush."
"Travis is in a coma."
* * *
My teacher asked me to characterize myself in 5 words.
“Quite lazy.”
* * *
Driving a sports car and sticking to the speed limit is like going to McDonalds’ and having just the salad.
* * *
A boy is sitting on a bus and eating one piece of chocolate after the other. A man sits down next to him and says: “Eating so much chocolate is not healthy for you boy.”
The boy replies: “My grandfather died when he was 112 years old.”
The man asks: “You think he became so old because he was eating lots of chocolate?”
The boy answers: “He became so old because he minded his own business.”
* * *
A guy walks into a bar and says urgently to the bartender, "Give me a beer before trouble starts!" He drinks his beer and orders another, again saying, "Give me a beer before trouble starts!" The bartender is confused but lets it go for another two beers, when he finally asks, "Hey man, when are you gonna pay for those beers?" The guy answers, "And now the trouble starts!
* * *
Three guys are flying over a desert in a hot air balloon. They see a man below and yell at him, “Do you know where we are?”
The man thinks about it for a long time and when they’re nearly out of earshot, yells after them, “You’re in a balloon.”
“That was a mathematician,” says one of the aviators. “Why?” asks another. „Because it took him a hell of a long time, the answer is perfectly correct and yet its practical value is zero.”
* * *
When I greeted my boss in the morning, he told me to have a good day.
Who am I to argue? So I thanked him and went back home.
* * *
I’m already doing 60 in a 30 mph zone and still that guy is sticking to me. And now he’s blinding me with these fancy blinking blue lights. The world is full of psychos!
* * *


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#18 2018-02-05 16:21:56

Monox D. I-Fly
Member
From: Indonesia
Registered: 2015-12-02
Posts: 1,047

Re: Very short jokes!

ganesh wrote:

Pessimist: "Things just can't get any worse!"
Optimist: "Nah, of course they can!"

Reminds me when my old co-worker called me optimistic pessimist because I always imagine the worst possible outcome. I responded by saying that it makes me fully mentally prepared since usually the results aren't as bad as I thought to be.


Actually I never watch Star Wars and not interested in it anyway, but I choose a Yoda card as my avatar in honor of our great friend bobbym who has passed away. May his adventurous soul rest in peace at heaven.

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#19 2018-02-05 19:16:16

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 23,819

Re: Very short jokes!

That's right, Monox D. I-Fly!

* * *
A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”
* * *
I'd like to buy a new boomerang please. Also, can you tell me how to throw the old one away?
* * *
The 21st century: Deleting history is often more important than making it.
* * *
Two grains of sand go through the desert. One to the other: "I have the feeling somebody is watching me."
* * *
Little Johnny asks his father:
Where does the wind come from?
I don't know.
Why do dogs bark?
I don't know.
Why is the earth round?
I don't know. Does it disturb you that I ask so much?
No son. Please ask. Otherwise you will never learn anything.
* * *
Three guys are stranded in a desert. By a stroke of luck, they find a magic genie lamp. The genie grants each of them one wish. The first guy wishes to be back home. Wish granted. The second guy wishes the same. Wish granted. The third guy says, It feels very lonely here now, I wish my friends were with me…” Wish granted.
* * *
Secretary: “Doctor the invisible man has come. He says he has an appointment.”
Doctor: “Tell him I cant see him.”
* * *
One state official to the other: I don't know what people have against us - We haven't done anything.
* * *
Doctor: Your health seems to be in such a condition that I believe you can reach 80 years.
But doctor, I am already 80!
You see - I told you to quit smoking.
* * *
Yes, money cannot buy you happiness, but I’d still feel a lot more comfortable crying in a new BMW than on a bike.
* * *
Two friends are talking, one says: “Man, I fell off a thirty-foot long ladder yesterday.”
“Oh no, dude, are you alright?!” inquires the other one, shocked.
“Yeah, I’m OK, I was only on the second rung then.”
* * *


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#20 2018-02-06 23:58:09

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 23,819

Re: Very short jokes!

A man is walking in the desert with his horse and his dog when the dog says, “I can’t do this. I need water.”
The man says, “I didn’t know dogs could talk.”
The horse says, “Me neither!”
* * *
I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.
Then it dawned on me.
* * *
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
* * *
Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away, and you’ll have their shoes.
* * *
What do you call a psychic little person who has escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
* * *
Why don't ants get sick?
Because they have little antibodies.
* * *
What happened when the pirate attempted to recite the alphabet?
He got lost at 'c'!
* * *
Why did the old man fall in the well?
Because he couldn't see that well.
* * *
What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?
A labracadabrador.
* * *
I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It's shift work.
* * *
Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other "I need you to help me get to the other side!"
The other guy replies "You are on the other side!".
* * *
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
* * *
How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Put it in a glass of water.
If it sinks its a girl ant.
If it floats its buoyant.
* * *


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#21 2018-02-08 01:46:43

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 23,819

Re: Very short jokes!

"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.
"Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."
* * *
From Medical Dictionary :
Artery -- Study of paintings
Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria
Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarean section -- District in Rome
Cat scan -- Searching for kitty
Coma -- A punctuation mark
Congenital -- Friendly
Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events
Dilate -- To live long
Enema -- Not a friend
Labor pain -- Got hurt at work
Medical staff -- Doctor's cane
Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate
Node -- Was aware of
Outpatient -- Person who had fainted
Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- Letter carrier
Protein -- Favoring young people
Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery
Secretion -- Hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Tablet -- Small table
Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport
Tibia -- Country in North Africa
Tumor -- An extra pair
Urine -- Opposite of you're out
Varicose -- Located nearby
Vein -- Conceited
* * *
Things You Did Not Know

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

A snail can sleep for three years.

All polar bears are left handed.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Butterflies taste with their feet

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about 10.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you will have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

Leonardo da Vinci invented the scissors.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

No word in the English language rhymes with month.

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.

Starfish haven't got brains.

The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

And finally...

You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.
* * *


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#22 2018-02-10 23:06:16

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 23,819

Re: Very short jokes!

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, “What are you doing?” “Playing a game,” the boy replied. “What is your name?” the officer questioned. “Mind Your Own Business.” Furious the policeman inquired, “Are you looking for trouble?!” The boy replied, “Why, yes.”
* * *
Teacher: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
John: You told me to do it without using tables.
* * *
Judge: “Why did you steal the car?”
Man: “I had to get to work.”
Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?”
Man: "I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus."
* * *
A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning.
The surprised girl said, “What was that?”
The guy smiled at her, “Direct marketing!”
The girl slapped him soundly.
“What was that?!” said the boy, holding his cheek.
“Customer feedback.”
* * *
Why do people never eat clocks?
Because it’s really time consuming.
* * *
Do you know how to make a dumb person curious?”
“No, how?”
“I’ll tell you tomorrow.”
* * *
To be stung by a mosquito is not very pleasant. But the thought that an insect with just 10 brain cells could mess up your entire night is something quite different.
* * *
“Excuse me, sir, have you seen a police officer around?”
“No, not a soul, actually.”
“Very good, now give me your wallet, watch and laptop!”
* * *


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#23 2018-02-11 19:37:33

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 23,819

Re: Very short jokes!

Why the music teacher did not able to open his room?
Because the keys were on his piano!
* * *
What will be a Math teacher’s favorite dish?
Pi!
* * *
Teacher: Which hand you used to write with?
Student: Neither, I always use a pencil to write!
* * *
What did the pencil said to other pencil?
Oh! You look so sharp!
* * *
David to Mom: Mom, I have got hundred in class test today.
Mom: well done, in which?
David: I got a 40 in spelling and a 60 in reading!
* * *
Teacher to Danny: Danny, why you are not writing?
Danny: Ma’am, I don’t has a pen
Teacher: Danny, you said a wrong sentence. The correct form is I don’t have a pen, he doesn’t have a pen and we don’t have a pen.
Danny: oh Ma’am! Who stole all the pens then?!
* * *
Teacher: if you had 12 apples, 10 oranges, 5 pineapples, 15 strawberries, what would you have?
Student: A yummy fruit salad, Ma’am!
* * *
Teacher: You aren't paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing?
Pupil: No, teacher I'm having trouble listening!
* * *
What do history teachers make when they want to get together?
Dates!
* * *
Why does the ocean twinkle at night?
It’s full of starfish!
* * *
Why oysters do not share their pearls?
Because they are shellfish!
* * *
What a dog will do when he loses his tail?
He will prefer to go to a re-tail store.
* * *
Name the Ant who always likes to be alone.
Independ-ant!
* * *
I have ocean but no water. Who am I?
Answer: A World Map.
* * *


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#24 2018-02-19 00:01:43

ganesh
Administrator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 23,819

Re: Very short jokes!

Patient to his doctor: I have forgotten so many things lately, and it’s getting worse. What can I do?
Doctor: Yes, this is a known illness, unfortunately it has no cure. I’d also like to remind you about the 800 USD that you owe me?
* * *
Two mice meet and start chatting. “Look,” says one after a while, “I’ve got a new boyfriend!” and shows a picture on the mobile phone.
“OMG,” cries the other mouse, “that’s a bat!”
“What?! The guy told me he was a pilot!”
* * *
I’ve read so many horrible things about drinking and smoking recently that I made a new, firm New Year’s resolution: NO MORE READING!
* * *
I was going to start a Procrastinators Club. But then I realized I’d have to reject anyone who actually turned up at the meeting so I decided to put it off again.
* * *
They say you can’t get a decent job without education. But look at Albert Einstein – he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the moon!
* * *
Why did the bee marry?
He’s finally found his honey.
* * *
“Name me five different animals, Johnny.”
“The dog, the dog’s brother, the dog’s sister, the dog’s cousin and the dog’s aunt.”
* * *
It is evening. Little Johnny and his friend are sitting by a camp fire.
They’ve been plagued by swarms of mosquitoes already for an hour and the assault only worsens when the darkness sets in.
Suddenly, fireflies appear. Little Johnny says: “These mosquitoes! Now they’ve even brought lanterns with them to find us!“
* * *
Three bunnies want to jump a wall. First one jumps and clears the wall with a good 4 inch reserve.
The second bunny jumps and makes it over the wall with a 5 inch reserve.
The third bunny jumps and slams headfirst into the wall. When he wakes up, he says, “I must have jumped the highest. I definitely saw some stars.”
* * *
A gardener picks up horse droppings off the road. This interests a passerby: “What do you do with the droppings?”
Gardener: “I sprinkle it on my strawberries.”
Passerby: “Funny, we usually use sugar…”
* * *
A farmer needs to know how many sheep he has in his field. He calls his German Shepherd dog to count them for him. The dog runs off, counts the sheep and returns to the farmer.
"How many?" asks the farmer. "40," replies the dog. The farmer is startled and says, "What do you mean, 40 - I only bought 37!" The dog shrugs, "I rounded them up."
* * *
Child: “Mom, I have a good and a bad news.”
Mother: “OK, start with the good one.”
Child: “I scored an A in the math test.”
Mother: “That’s awesome Lisa! And what’s the bad news?”
Child: “That this was only a joke.”
* * *
A little boy stands in front of a house and cries. A guy sees him and asks, “Why all the crying, little guy?”
“I can’t reach the doorbell.”
The man rings the bell for him and smiles at the boy. The boy smiles back at him and says, “Great, and now we just have to run away very quickly!”
* * *


It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi. 

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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#25 2018-02-19 00:08:26

Alg Num Theory
Member
Registered: 2017-11-24
Posts: 57
Website

Re: Very short jokes!

My life is just like English grammar. Although the past might be irregular, the present is perfect and so I need not be tense about the future.

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