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#1 2006-05-22 12:19:58

MathsIsFun
Administrator
Registered: 2005-01-21
Posts: 7,552

Airline Attendants

From an email that is going around:

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan Airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"


"The physicists defer only to mathematicians, and the mathematicians defer only to God ..."  - Leon M. Lederman

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#2 2006-05-23 00:26:50

Ninja 101
Member
Registered: 2006-02-20
Posts: 936

Re: Airline Attendants

HAHAHAHA!!!!!
that's great!
Another one.
"in the event of the aircraft landing on water... wait a minute, airplanes don't land on water they crash into the sea."


Chaos is found in greatest abundance wherever order is being saught. It always defeats order, because it is better organized.

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#3 2006-05-25 02:32:41

gakgoka
Member
Registered: 2006-05-25
Posts: 9

Re: Airline Attendants

هههههههههههههههههههههههههههههههههههههههه
والله ربكم يفهم ليكم
مافهمت ولا نكت كل نكتكم بايخة وسخيفة

والله فاضيين مافية على نكتنا العربي

الحين اعطيكم نكت وشوفو كيف

هذا واحد يمشييي ويا ثنين صارو ثلاثة   شفتو كيف  النكت يلبهيمين

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#4 2006-06-05 00:13:52

Ninja 101
Member
Registered: 2006-02-20
Posts: 936

Re: Airline Attendants

Ah...
can't say I understand you there, old bean.


Chaos is found in greatest abundance wherever order is being saught. It always defeats order, because it is better organized.

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#5 2006-06-05 20:23:22

justlookingforthemoment
Moderator
Registered: 2005-05-26
Posts: 2,161

Re: Airline Attendants

I'm not sure you were meant to.

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#6 2006-06-05 23:21:58

MathsIsFun
Administrator
Registered: 2005-01-21
Posts: 7,552

Re: Airline Attendants

If someone could translate gakgoka's posts ... ?


"The physicists defer only to mathematicians, and the mathematicians defer only to God ..."  - Leon M. Lederman

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#7 2006-06-05 23:48:11

justlookingforthemoment
Moderator
Registered: 2005-05-26
Posts: 2,161

Re: Airline Attendants

FreeTranslation says:

aslkdjflkja!!!!!lakjnfgjja asdlkjf lolololol!!10101!

No, not really. But if you put it in Google, this forum page comes up as the first link.

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#8 2006-06-06 04:36:05

ryos
Member
Registered: 2005-08-04
Posts: 394

Re: Airline Attendants

Google translation BETA says:

"God Rpkm understand Licm   Mafhmt not Nkat each Nktkm Baikhh and silly     God Vadien Maveh the Arab Nktna     Then give Nkat and how Hovo     This is one Emshiii And oh Thenen Saro three Shafto How Ilbhimin! "

Wow. I guess they've got some work to do.


El que pega primero pega dos veces.

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#9 2006-06-06 05:29:20

mikau
Member
Registered: 2005-08-22
Posts: 1,504

Re: Airline Attendants

Those are great! Hey I wonder if pilots keep a book of prewritten jokes like that to calm the passengers in the event of mild incidents. We've got to get a hold of one!


A logarithm is just a misspelled algorithm.

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#10 2006-06-06 08:42:13

Patrick
Real Member
Registered: 2006-02-24
Posts: 1,005

Re: Airline Attendants

gakgoka wrote:

هههههههههههههههههههههههههههههههههههههههه
والله ربكم يفهم ليكم
مافهمت ولا نكت كل نكتكم بايخة وسخيفة

والله فاضيين مافية على نكتنا العربي

الحين اعطيكم نكت وشوفو كيف

هذا واحد يمشييي ويا ثنين صارو ثلاثة   شفتو كيف  النكت يلبهيمين

If it's commercial spam, it's not working ^^


Support MathsIsFun.com by clicking on the banners.
What music do I listen to? Clicky click

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#11 2006-06-06 09:00:45

Zach
Member
Registered: 2005-03-23
Posts: 2,075

Re: Airline Attendants

He just said "lol" in a stupid way.


Boy let me tell you what:
I bet you didn't know it, but I'm a fiddle player too.
And if you'd care to take a dare, I'll make a bet with you.

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#12 2006-06-08 00:25:14

Ninja 101
Member
Registered: 2006-02-20
Posts: 936

Re: Airline Attendants

Stupid and long winded


Chaos is found in greatest abundance wherever order is being saught. It always defeats order, because it is better organized.

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#13 2006-06-09 08:10:25

Magister_Magi
Member
Registered: 2006-06-09
Posts: 18

Re: Airline Attendants

Heh heh...

L.O.L.
I like number 12, (the joke, not about gakgoka) The flight stewardess said something like that on my flight, except that she left out the split evenly among flight attendants, and the spouse part, so it was kinda directed towards me and mah sister...
Heh...


Our Magic is not absolute,
Real Magic comes from the courage of your Heart!
                -Negi Springfeild

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#14 2006-06-09 11:28:14

MathsIsFun
Administrator
Registered: 2005-01-21
Posts: 7,552

Re: Airline Attendants

Magister_Magi wrote:

so it was kinda directed towards me and mah sister...

Did the flight attendant ask you to play outside?


"The physicists defer only to mathematicians, and the mathematicians defer only to God ..."  - Leon M. Lederman

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#15 2006-06-09 12:18:27

Magister_Magi
Member
Registered: 2006-06-09
Posts: 18

Re: Airline Attendants

No, we were just sorta being kinda loud, and laughing hard at the movie we were watching (on our portable DVD player) and was indirectly telling us off to our mother...
Was very awkward after that...


Our Magic is not absolute,
Real Magic comes from the courage of your Heart!
                -Negi Springfeild

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#16 2006-06-09 20:53:11

Zach
Member
Registered: 2005-03-23
Posts: 2,075

Re: Airline Attendants

Just be louder, make some ruckus and force them to give you drinks next time.


Boy let me tell you what:
I bet you didn't know it, but I'm a fiddle player too.
And if you'd care to take a dare, I'll make a bet with you.

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#17 2006-06-09 22:52:09

Magister_Magi
Member
Registered: 2006-06-09
Posts: 18

Re: Airline Attendants

Heh...
I wish I could, my mom was really mad. But I can do that on the tiny planes on the way to Key West. There's like, no one on there!!!

Okay. I'll see what I can do, but I don't remember if they serve drinks or not...


Our Magic is not absolute,
Real Magic comes from the courage of your Heart!
                -Negi Springfeild

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#18 2006-06-11 04:50:06

Zach
Member
Registered: 2005-03-23
Posts: 2,075

Re: Airline Attendants

Even if they don't, whine about it.


Boy let me tell you what:
I bet you didn't know it, but I'm a fiddle player too.
And if you'd care to take a dare, I'll make a bet with you.

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#19 2006-06-11 08:03:30

Magister_Magi
Member
Registered: 2006-06-09
Posts: 18

Re: Airline Attendants

I think they give out pretzles... So they'd just probably give me some of them. Then... When  I would get off the plane...

My dad would kill me.

So, in an effort to make a difference... it wouldn't matter any way.


Our Magic is not absolute,
Real Magic comes from the courage of your Heart!
                -Negi Springfeild

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#20 2006-06-15 00:31:54

Ninja 101
Member
Registered: 2006-02-20
Posts: 936

Re: Airline Attendants

No, the best thing to do on an aeroplane is to complain that there is'nt enough fresh air and you want them to open a window.


Chaos is found in greatest abundance wherever order is being saught. It always defeats order, because it is better organized.

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