An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his
paintings currently on display. "I've got good news and bad news," the
owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your
work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.
When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings."
"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?".
With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."
The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup
of coffee at the start of every day. Each morning the judge was
enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk
explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while
it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.
None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee,
until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he
continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted. The
next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full
to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.
The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly
complimented the clerk on his new technique. "Oh, there's not
much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in
my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in
when I get outside your office."
One night, Tim was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief
jumped on him. Tim and the thief began to wrestle. They rolled
about on the ground and Tim put up a tremendous fight. However,
the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the
ground. The thief then went through Tim's pockets and searched him.
All the thief could find on Tim was 25 cents. The thief was so
surprised at this that he asked Tim why he had bothered to fight
so hard for a 25 cents. "Was that all you wanted?" Tim replied,
"I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in
An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years.
The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said
"yes". The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember
what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no,
she looked at me funny..." After about an hour of trying to
remember to no avail he got on the telephone and gave her
a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her
answer to the marriage proposal. "Oh", she said, "I'm so glad
you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't
remember who it was."
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a
complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the
results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor
says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh,
that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten,"
the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what?
Months? Weeks? What?!" The doctor interrupts, "Nine..."
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local
police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board,
of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed
to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted
person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very
badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you
keep him when you took his picture?"