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**bobbym****bumpkin**- From: Bumpkinland
- Registered: 2009-04-12
- Posts: 109,606

The original joke is 789!

**In mathematics, you don't understand things. You just get used to them.****If it ain't broke, fix it until it is.**** Always satisfy the Prime Directive of getting the right answer above all else.**

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**ShivamS****Member**- Registered: 2011-02-07
- Posts: 3,648

Abuse of power.

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**bobbym****bumpkin**- From: Bumpkinland
- Registered: 2009-04-12
- Posts: 109,606

It is clever.

**In mathematics, you don't understand things. You just get used to them.****If it ain't broke, fix it until it is.**** Always satisfy the Prime Directive of getting the right answer above all else.**

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**ganesh****Administrator**- Registered: 2005-06-28
- Posts: 23,204

Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].

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If parallel lines meet at infinity - infinity must be a very noisy place with all those lines crashing together!

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Maths Teacher: Now suppose the number of sheep is x...

Student: Yes sir, but what happens if the number of sheep is not x?

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Zenophobia: the irrational fear of convergent sequences.

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Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.

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If I had only one day left to live, I would live it in my statistics class: it would seem so much longer.

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It is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy. Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays become the oldest. -- S. den Hartog, Ph D. Thesis Universtity of Groningen.

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Q: Why did the 30-60-90 triangle marry the 45-45-90 triangle?

A: They were right for each other.

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Q: Why didn't the Romans find algebra very challenging?

A: Because X was always 10.

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Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?

A: Pumpkin Pi

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Q: Why couldn't the angle get a loan?

A: His parents wouldn't Cosine

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Q: Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?

A: Because it was over 90 degrees

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Q: What's the integral of (1/cabin)d(cabin)?

A: A natural log cabin!

Q: What do you call an angle that is adorable?

A: acute angle.

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Q: Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?

A: It was a 'mean' thing to say!

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Q: Why did the polynomial plant die?

A: Its roots were imaginary.

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Q: Why does nobody talk to circles?

A: Because there is no point!

Q: What do you call a teapot of boiling water on top of mount everest?

A: A high-pot-in-use

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Q: Why didn't Bob drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it?

A: It was too cubed

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Q: Which triangles are the coldest?

A: Ice-sosceles triangles

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Q: Who invented the Round Table?

A: Sir Cumference

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Q: Why is Ms. Radian such a good reporter?

A: She covers the story from every angle

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Q: How can a fisherman determine how many fish he needs to catch to make a profit?

A: By using a cod-ratic inequality

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Q: How do you know that your dentist studied algebra?

A: She said all that candy gave me exponential decay

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Q: What is polite and works for the phone company?

A: A deferential operator.

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Q: What do you call a dead parrot?

A: Polygon.

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It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi.

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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**bobbym****bumpkin**- From: Bumpkinland
- Registered: 2009-04-12
- Posts: 109,606

The last one was my favorite, Polygon.

**In mathematics, you don't understand things. You just get used to them.****If it ain't broke, fix it until it is.**** Always satisfy the Prime Directive of getting the right answer above all else.**

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**phrontister****Real Member**- From: The Land of Tomorrow
- Registered: 2009-07-12
- Posts: 4,592

Hi ganesh and Bobby,

Reminds me of this sad tale sung by Peter, Paul and Mary, called Polly Von.

Its an Irish folk song about a young man who is hunting at twilight and mistakes his true love, who is taking shelter from the rain, for a swan. He shoots, and discovers that he's killed Polly.

So, alas and alack, it's 'Polly gone'.

>sniff<

*Last edited by phrontister (2014-06-14 22:25:13)*

"The good news about computers is that they do what you tell them to do. The bad news is that they do what you tell them to do." - Ted Nelson

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**bobbym****bumpkin**- From: Bumpkinland
- Registered: 2009-04-12
- Posts: 109,606

Hi;

It is amazing that at your age you even know about that song.

**In mathematics, you don't understand things. You just get used to them.****If it ain't broke, fix it until it is.**** Always satisfy the Prime Directive of getting the right answer above all else.**

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**phrontister****Real Member**- From: The Land of Tomorrow
- Registered: 2009-07-12
- Posts: 4,592

Hi Bobby,

Maybe I'm a reincarnated version of me...

I've gathered a bit of a collection of secondhand LPs from garage sales and op shops and converted them to MP3s.

I remembered *Polly Von* and that it was on this record, so here's a photo I took of it (it's the last song):

*Last edited by phrontister (2017-02-25 22:40:35)*

"The good news about computers is that they do what you tell them to do. The bad news is that they do what you tell them to do." - Ted Nelson

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**bobbym****bumpkin**- From: Bumpkinland
- Registered: 2009-04-12
- Posts: 109,606

Is that a 33 and a 1/3?

**In mathematics, you don't understand things. You just get used to them.****If it ain't broke, fix it until it is.**** Always satisfy the Prime Directive of getting the right answer above all else.**

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**phrontister****Real Member**- From: The Land of Tomorrow
- Registered: 2009-07-12
- Posts: 4,592

Yes, it is.

"The good news about computers is that they do what you tell them to do. The bad news is that they do what you tell them to do." - Ted Nelson

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**bobbym****bumpkin**- From: Bumpkinland
- Registered: 2009-04-12
- Posts: 109,606

Last time I saw one was in 1975 or so.

Mathematical joke:

Theorem: a cat has nine tails.

Proof:

No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat. Therefore, a cat has nine tails.

**In mathematics, you don't understand things. You just get used to them.****If it ain't broke, fix it until it is.**** Always satisfy the Prime Directive of getting the right answer above all else.**

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**ganesh****Administrator**- Registered: 2005-06-28
- Posts: 23,204

A mathematician decides he wants to learn more about practical problems. He sees a seminar with a nice title: "The Theory of Gears." So he goes. The speaker stands up and begins, "The theory of gears with a real number of teeth is well known ..."

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When a statistician passes the airport security check, they discover a bomb in his bag. He explains. "Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. However, the chance that there are two bombs at one plane is 1/1000000. So, I am much safer..."

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What is the difference between a Psychotic, a Neurotic and a mathematician? A Psychotic believes that 2+2=5. A Neurotic knows that 2+2=4, but it kills him. A mathematician simply changes the base.

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Q: What will a logician choose: a half of an egg or eternal bliss in the afterlife?

A: A half of an egg! Because nothing is better than eternal bliss in the afterlife, and a half of an egg is better than nothing.

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A physicist has been conducting experiments and has worked out a set of equations which seem to explain his data. He asks a mathematician to check them. A week later, the mathematician calls "I'm sorry, but your equations are complete nonsense." "But these equations accurately predict results of experiments. Are you sure they are completely wrong? "To be precise, they are not always a complete nonsense. But the only case in which they are true is the trivial one where the field is Archimedean..."

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A mathematician belives nothing until it is proven

A physicist believes everything until it is proven wrong

A chemist doesn't care.

biologist doesn't understand the question.

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An engineer and a topologist were locked in the rooms for a day with a can of food but without an opener. At the end of the day, the engineer is sitting on the floor of his room and eating from the open can: He threw it against the walls until it cracked open. In the mathematician's room, the can is still closed but the mathematician has disappeared. There are strange noises coming from inside the can... When it is opened and the mathematician crawls out. "darn! I got a sign wrong..."

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A mathematician has spent ten years trying to prove the Riemann hypothesis. Finally, he decides to sell his soul to the devil in exchange for a proof. The devil promises to deliver a proof in the four weeks. Half a year later, the devil shows up again - in a rather gloomy mood. "I'm sorry", he says. "I couldn't prove the hypothesis either. But" - and his face lightens up - "I think I found a really interesting lemma..."

It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi.

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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**bobbym****bumpkin**- From: Bumpkinland
- Registered: 2009-04-12
- Posts: 109,606

Hope these are new:

Dictionary of Definitions of Terms Commonly Used in Math. lectures.

CLEARLY:

I don't want to write down all the "in- between" steps.

TRIVIAL:

If I have to show you how to do this, you're in the wrong class.

OBVIOUSLY:

I hope you weren't sleeping when we discussed this earlier, because I refuse to repeat it.

RECALL:

I shouldn't have to tell you this, but for those of you who erase your memory tapes after every test...

WLOG (Without Loss Of Generality):

I'm not about to do all the possible cases, so I'll do one and let you figure out the rest.

CHECK or CHECK FOR YOURSELF:

This is the boring part of the proof, so you can do it on your own time.

SKETCH OF A PROOF:

I couldn't verify all the details, so I'll break it down into the parts I couldn't prove.

HINT:

The hardest of several possible ways to do a proof.

SOFT PROOF:

One third less filling (of the page) than your regular proof, but it requires two extra years of course work just to understand the terms.

ELEGANT PROOF:

Requires no previous knowledge of the subject matter and is less than ten lines long.

SIMILARLY:

At least one line of the proof of this case is the same as before.

CANONICAL FORM:

4 out of 5 mathematicians surveyed recommended this as the final form for their students who choose to finish.

BY A PREVIOUS THEOREM:

I don't remember how it goes (come to think of it I'm not really sure we did this at all), but if I stated it right (or at all), then the rest of this follows.

TWO LINE PROOF:

I'll leave out everything but the conclusion, you can't question 'em if you can't see 'em.

BRIEFLY:

I'm running out of time, so I'll just write and talk faster.

LET'S TALK THROUGH IT:

I don't want to write it on the board lest I make a mistake.

PROCEED FORMALLY:

Manipulate symbols by the rules without any hint of their true meaning (popular in pure math courses).

QUANTIFY:

I can't find anything wrong with your proof except that it won't work if x is a moon of Jupiter.

PROOF OMITTED:

Trust me, It's true.

**In mathematics, you don't understand things. You just get used to them.****If it ain't broke, fix it until it is.**** Always satisfy the Prime Directive of getting the right answer above all else.**

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**ganesh****Administrator**- Registered: 2005-06-28
- Posts: 23,204

If you got $10 from 10 people, what would you have? A new bike !

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This poem was written by Jon Saxton (an author of math textbooks).

((12 + 144 + 20 + (3 * 4^(1/2))) / 7) + (5 * 11) = 9^2 + 0

Or for those who have trouble reading the poem:

A Dozen, a Gross and a Score,

plus three times the square root of four,

divided by seven, plus five times eleven,

equals nine squared and not a bit more.

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A student wrote letter to his home:

Dear Dad!

This $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. Mathematic$, a$tronomy, and economic$ are the $ubject$ I like. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a po$t card, a$ I would love to $ee $ome word$ from you.

$end it to me $oon,

Your $on.

A week later he received a letter from home:

Dear Son!

I kNOw that trigoNOmetry, astroNOmy, and ecoNOmics are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and kNOw that NO one can ever learn eNOugh.

Love,

Your NOt so kNOwledgeable Dad.

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What is "pi"?

Mathematician: Pi is the ratio of circumference of a circle to its diameter.

Engineer: Pi is about 22/7.

Computer Programmer: Pi is 3.141592653589 in double precision.

Nutritionist: You one track math-minded fellows, Pie is a healthy and delicious dessert!

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Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices far."

So he leans over the basket and yells out, "Hellllooooo! Where are we?" (They hear the echo several times).

Two minutes later they hear this echoing voice: "Hellllooooo! You're lost!!"

One of the men says, "That must be a mathematician." Puzzled, one of the other men asks, "Why do you say that?"

He replies: "For three reasons. (1) he took a long time to answer, (2) he was absolutely correct, and (3) his answer was absolutely useless."

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Several students were asked the following problem:

Is it true that all odd integers are prime?

Well, the first student to try to do this says "hmmm... Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime and by induction, we have that all the odd integers are prime."

The physics student then said, "I'm not sure of the validity of your proof, but I think I'll try to prove it by experiment." He continues, "Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ... uh, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it seems that that all odd integers are prime."

The third student to try it was the engineering student, who responded, "Well, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either. Let's see... 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ..., 9 is ..., standard deviation, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it does seem that all odd integers are prime."

Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says "Well, you guys sort'v got the right idea, but you'd end up taking too long doing it. I've just whipped up a program using a "do loop" to REALLY go and prove it..." He runs his computer program. The computer responds, "1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime...."

It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi.

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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**ganesh****Administrator**- Registered: 2005-06-28
- Posts: 23,204

phrontister wrote:

Hi ganesh and Bobby,

Reminds me of this sad tale sung by Peter, Paul and Mary.

I'm sorry I missed your post, phrontister!

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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**ganesh****Administrator**- Registered: 2005-06-28
- Posts: 23,204

Teacher: "Who can tell me what 7 times 6 is?"

Student: "It's 42!"

Teacher: "Very good! - And who can tell me what 6 times 7 is?"

Same student: "It's 24!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Q: What does the zero say to the

the eight?

A: Nice belt!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Q: What does a mathematician present to his fiancée when he wants to propose?

A: A polynomial ring.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Life is complex: it has both real and imaginary components.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Three statisticians go hunting. When they see a rabbit, the first one shoots, missing it on the left. The second one shoots and misses it on the right. The third one shouts:

"We've hit it!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Q: Why do mathematicians often confuse Christmas and Halloween?

A: Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A statistician can have his head in an oven and his feet in ice, and he will say that on the average he feels fine.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Question: "How many seconds are there in a year?"

Answer: "Twelve, January second, February second, March second, ..."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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**bobbym****bumpkin**- From: Bumpkinland
- Registered: 2009-04-12
- Posts: 109,606

Hi;

The 42, 24 one is really good.

**In mathematics, you don't understand things. You just get used to them.****If it ain't broke, fix it until it is.**** Always satisfy the Prime Directive of getting the right answer above all else.**

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**ganesh****Administrator**- Registered: 2005-06-28
- Posts: 23,204

Hi,

bobbym wrote:

The 42, 24 one is really good.

Thanks, bobbym!

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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Hi ganesh;

Post 266 joke 3 is inspiring.

Can you please give me a polynomial ring so that I can propose my favorite girl?

'And fun? If maths is fun, then getting a tooth extraction is fun. A viral infection is fun. Rabies shots are fun.'

'God exists because Mathematics is consistent, and the devil exists because we cannot prove it'

I'm not crazy, my mother had me tested.

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**ganesh****Administrator**- Registered: 2005-06-28
- Posts: 23,204

Hi Agnishom,

Agnishom wrote:

Post 266 joke 3 is inspiring.

Thanks, Agnishom!

Agnishom wrote:

Can you please give me a polynomial ring so that I can propose my favorite girl?

Ha ha ha!

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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**ganesh****Administrator**- Registered: 2005-06-28
- Posts: 23,204

Q: Why didn't the Romans find algebra very challenging?

A: Because X was always 10.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Q: Why do plants hate math?

A: Because it gives them square roots.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Q: Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?

A: It was a 'mean' thing to say!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Q: Why does nobody talk to circles?

A: Because there is no point!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Q: Why didn't Bob drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it?

A: It was too cubed.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Q: Which triangles are the coldest?

A: Ice-sosceles triangles.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Q: Why is Ms. Radian such a good reporter?

A: She covers the story from every angle.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Q: What do you call more than one L?

A: A Parallel.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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**Monox D. I-Fly****Member**- Registered: 2015-12-02
- Posts: 826

Borrowed from XKCD, too:

Transformation Matrix

**Online**