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## #1 2006-02-15 03:48:02

ganesh
Moderator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 21,812

### Funny jokes

(1) Why did the kid throw the clock out the window?
He wanted to see time fly.

(2) A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life.
He said, "You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see. If you do, you'll live to a nice ripe old age."

So the cowboy did this religiously every day, and sure enough, lived to the nice ripe old age of 96.

When he died he left behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren

...and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

(3) Q: Where did the sheep get its haircut?
A: The ba-ba shop

(4) Q: Why is the math book always upset?
A: Because it has a lot of problems.

(5) Little Johnny was playing with his father's wallet when he accidently swallowed a quarter. He went crying to him mom, choking on the quarter. They took him to a doctor, who said that the quarter was impossible to remove without surgery, they consulted a surgeon who was of the same opinion. Then came a man who said he could get the money out in a jiffy. He turned little Johnny upside down and patted him with great precision on the back of neck and, sure enough, the quarter rolled out. Everyone was amazed, the father said You must be an expert! The man replied, No sir I'm just a tax collector.

(6) Where would you learn how to make ice cream?
At Sundae school.

(7) Q: How do you catch a squirrel?
A: Climb up a tree and act like a nut!

(8) Q : What do you call a doll on fire?
A :  Barbie-Q!

(9) How did the telephone operator propose to his girlfriend?
He gave her a ring.

(10) A man noticed a woman in the grocery store with a three-year-old girl in her cart. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately began to have a conniption, and the mother said quietly, "Now Missy, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long."
In the candy aisle, the little girl began to shout for treats. When mom said she couldn't have any, she began to kick her mother and scream. The mother said softly, "There, there, Missy, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."

When they got to the checkout stand, the little brat immediately began to reach for the gum and freaked out when her mom said she couldn't have any. The mother patiently said, "Missy, we'll be through this checkout stand in five minutes and then you can go home and have a bottle and a nice snooze."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Missy," he said.

The mother sighed and replied, "Oh, no, my little girl's name is Francine - I'm Missy."

It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi.

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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## #2 2006-02-15 18:04:02

jU
Real Member
Registered: 2005-08-17
Posts: 1,923

### Re: Funny jokes

Ha Ha they are funny

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## #3 2006-02-15 18:11:08

justlookingforthemoment
Moderator
Registered: 2005-05-26
Posts: 2,161

### Re: Funny jokes

Those were good, ganesh!

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## #4 2006-02-15 19:13:55

Tigeree
Member
Registered: 2005-11-19
Posts: 13,883

### Re: Funny jokes

ha ha

People don't notice whether it's winter or summer when they're happy.
~ Anton Chekhov
Cheer up, emo kid.

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## #5 2006-02-16 19:46:41

ganesh
Moderator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 21,812

### Re: Funny jokes

1. What type of monkey can fly? A hot air baboon!

2. What kind of tooth lives in Antarctica? A molar bear!

3. What did the mushroom say when he was kicked out of the nightclub? Don't kick me out, I'm a FUN GUY!

4. What organ of the body is the last to die? The Liver!

5. What country is always going after Turkey? Hungary!

6. What animal should you never play cards with? A cheetah

7. What time is it when you know you need to go to the dentist? Two-thirty!

8. What are goose bumps for? To keep geese from speeding!

9. What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderware!

10. What kind of ants are the biggest? Giants!

11. Why did the germ cross the microscope? To get to the other slide!

12. What do you call two recently married spiders? Newlywebs!

13. Did you hear about the cat that ate yarn? She had mittens!

14. What did the tablecloth say to the table? "Dont move, I've got you covered."

15. Why did the child study in the aeroplane ?
He wanted a higher education !

16. Q: How do you stop fish from smelling?
A: Cut their noses off.

17. Q: Why do you always walk with the right foot first?
A: Because when you put one foot forward the other is always left behind!

18. Why don't cannibals eat comedians? Because they taste funny

19. What did the apple say to the orange? Nothing stupid, apples don't talk

20. Why did Robin Hood only steal from the rich ?
Because the poor have nothing worth taking !

It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi.

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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## #6 2006-02-16 21:15:55

espeon
Real Member
Registered: 2006-02-05
Posts: 2,586

### Re: Funny jokes

Thats funny!

Presenting the Prinny dance.
Take this dood! Huh doood!!! HUH DOOOOD!?!? DOOD HUH!!!!!! DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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## #7 2006-02-17 13:32:40

Tigeree
Member
Registered: 2005-11-19
Posts: 13,883

### Re: Funny jokes

more funny ones

People don't notice whether it's winter or summer when they're happy.
~ Anton Chekhov
Cheer up, emo kid.

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## #8 2006-02-18 20:22:09

ganesh
Moderator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 21,812

### Re: Funny jokes

Spelling checker

Eye Halve a Spelling Chequer

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi.

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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## #9 2006-02-18 21:37:06

justlookingforthemoment
Moderator
Registered: 2005-05-26
Posts: 2,161

### Re: Funny jokes

I take it you already know
Of tough and bough and cough and dough?
Other may stumble but not you
On hiccough, thorough, lough and through
Well done! And now you wish perhaps,
To learn of less familiar traps.

Beware of heard, a dreadful word
That looks like beard and sounds like bird,
For goodness sake don't call it deed!
Watch out for meat and great and threat
(They rhyme with suite and straight and debt).

A moth is not a moth in mother,
Nor both in bother, broth in brother.
And there is not a match for here,
Nor dear and fear for bear and pear,
And then there's dose and rose and lose
Just look them up - and goose and choose

And cork and work and card and ward
And font and front and word and sword
And do and go and thwart and cart.
Come, come, I've hardly made a start.

I'd mastered it when I was five.

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## #10 2006-02-19 16:04:00

jU
Real Member
Registered: 2005-08-17
Posts: 1,923

### Re: Funny jokes

ganesh wrote:

2. What kind of tooth lives in Antarctica? A molar bear!

Um even though part of that is a joke

\/
\/
\/
\/
\/
\/
\/
\/
\/
\/
\/
\/
\/
\/
\/
\/

POLAR BEARS DON'T EVEN LIVE IN ANTARCTICA :lol::lol::):):)

Last edited by jU (2006-02-19 16:05:55)

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## #11 2006-02-20 18:36:17

ganesh
Moderator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 21,812

### Re: Funny jokes

(a) "I've just had the most awful time," said a boy to his friends. "First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy."

"Wow! How did you pull through?" sympathized his friends.

"I don't know," the boy replied. "Toughest spelling test I ever had."

*********************************
(b) "Isn't the principal a dummy!" said a boy to a girl.

"Say, do you know who I am?" asked the girl.
"No."
"I'm the principal's daughter."

"And do you know who I am?" asked the boy.
"No," she replied.
"Thank goodness!"
********************************

(c) Teacher: Milton, how can you prove the earth is round?
Milton: I can't. Besides, I never said it was.

*********************************
(d) The parents were very disappointed in the grades that their son brought home. "The only consolation I can find in these awful grades," lamented the father, "is that I know he never cheated during his exams."

*********************************
(e) A quiet little man was brought before a judge. The judge looked down at the man and then at the charges and then down at the little man in amazement. "Can you tell me in your own words what happened?" he asked the man.

"I'm a mathematical logician dealing in the nature of proof."

"Yes, go on," said the astounded judge.

"Well, I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and went to take them out. They told me my library card had expired and I had to get a new one. So I went to the registration office and got in another line. And filled out my forms for another card. And got back in line for my card."

"And?" said the judge.

"And he asked 'Can you prove you are from New York City?' ...So I stabbed him."

********************************
(f) After Receiving an Invitation to a Mathematicians' Ball:

Augustin Louis Cauchy said he surely will manage to integrate well with everyone.

David Hilbert was afraid he will be pretty spaced out for most of the party.

Paul Erdös asked: "Are epsilons invited too?"

John Forbes Nash insisted on playing n-person zero sum games.

Zeno of Elea said he will come with two friends - Achilles and the tortoise.

Bertrand Russell was wondering: "If the cook only cooks for the guests, who cooks for the cook?"

Kurt Gödel insisted that the invitation is incomplete and never will be.

It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi.

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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## #12 2006-02-20 18:44:51

justlookingforthemoment
Moderator
Registered: 2005-05-26
Posts: 2,161

### Re: Funny jokes

I liked the first one.

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## #13 2006-02-24 09:30:45

jU
Real Member
Registered: 2005-08-17
Posts: 1,923

so did I

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## #14 2006-03-31 02:08:10

Ninja 101
Member
Registered: 2006-02-20
Posts: 936

### Re: Funny jokes

True comedy, the lot of them!

Chaos is found in greatest abundance wherever order is being saught. It always defeats order, because it is better organized.

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## #15 2006-04-05 22:28:08

ganesh
Moderator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 21,812

### Re: Funny jokes

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi.

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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## #16 2006-04-05 23:42:01

ganesh
Moderator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 21,812

### Re: Funny jokes

Definitions:-

1. Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in a paper with
fire at one end and a fool at the other.
2. Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day
internationals are more popular than a five day test.
3. Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses
his bachelors degree and a woman gains her masters.
4. Divo rce : Future tense of marriage
5. Lecture : An art of transferring information from
the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students
without passing through "the minds of either".
6. Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by
the number present.
7. Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a
way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
8. Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine
will-power is defeated by feminine water-power ..
9. Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before
marriage.
10. Conference Room : A place where everybody talks,
nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.
11. Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to
feel a feeling you have never felt before.
12. Classic : A book which people praise, but do not
1 3. Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things
straight.
14. Office : A place where you can relax after your
strenuous home life.
15. Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to
open their mouth.
16. Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know
more than you actually do.
17. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing
individually sit to decide that nothing can be
done together.
18. Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.
19. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
20. Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during
life, to be spoken of when dead.
21. Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in
such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
22. Opportunist : A person who starts bathing if
he accidentally falls into a river.
23. Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel
Tower says  midway "See I am not injured yet."
24. Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last
letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word
OPPORTUNITY.
25. Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die
rich.
26. Father : A banker provided by nature.
27. Criminal : A guy no different from the rest...
except that he got caught.
28. Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and
late when you are early.
29. Politician : One who shakes your hand before
30. Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills,
and kills you with his bills.

It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge - Enrico Fermi.

Nothing is better than reading and gaining more and more knowledge - Stephen William Hawking.

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## #17 2006-04-06 22:29:40

Ninja 101
Member
Registered: 2006-02-20
Posts: 936

### Re: Funny jokes

hahahahaha!
hilarious!

Chaos is found in greatest abundance wherever order is being saught. It always defeats order, because it is better organized.

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## #18 2006-04-07 08:47:58

Patrick
Real Member
Registered: 2006-02-24
Posts: 1,005

### Re: Funny jokes

24. Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.

I liked that alot

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## #19 2006-04-09 22:03:45

stardust
Member
Registered: 2006-04-09
Posts: 48

### Re: Funny jokes

Three people are alone and stranded on a desert island - a biologist, an engineer and an economist. They don't have anything to eat, but somehow find an unopened can of beans on the shore. The biologist says 'lets leave it for a while, the sea water will errode the tin'. The engineer says 'I have a better idea, we should find a rock and bash the tin open'. Finaly the economist says 'Ok, lets assume we have a tin opener...'

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## #20 2011-03-28 16:03:47

aaronmark
Member
Registered: 2011-03-28
Posts: 1

### Re: Funny jokes

Interesting.....................

It makes the atmosphere colorful. Everyone likes it.

www.451jokes.com

Last edited by aaronmark (2011-03-28 16:05:04)

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## #21 2011-04-17 21:29:21

Jameslaker
Member
Registered: 2011-04-17
Posts: 1

### Re: Funny jokes

A  beautiful lady was shopping in a mall.when she had come face to face with  soldier returned from war.Then she quickly,tears in her eyes,thrust out her hand and said,your services were valuable to our nation.The soldier took her hand and said,thank you,it's people like your that keep me going.

Last edited by Jameslaker (2011-04-17 21:32:35)

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