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#1 2012-02-23 02:16:28

ganesh
Moderator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 17,500

Some more clean jokes!

1) Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.

Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”

Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”

Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”

And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

2) There were three men on a hill with their watches.

The first man threw his watch down the hill and it broke.

The second man threw his watch down the hill and it broke.

The third man threw his watch down the hill, walked all the way to the bottom, and caught it.

The other two men were puzzled and asked the third man how he did it.

The third man said, "Easy. My watch is 5 minutes slow!"

3) A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.

"Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says:

"Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."


Character is who you are when no one is looking.

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#2 2012-02-24 06:36:02

anonimnystefy
Real Member
From: Harlan's World
Registered: 2011-05-23
Posts: 15,937

Re: Some more clean jokes!

hi ganesh

nice ones! i loved the last one.boy,is that dachshund smart. smile


“Here lies the reader who will never open this book. He is forever dead.
“Taking a new step, uttering a new word, is what people fear most.” ― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Crime and Punishment
The knowledge of some things as a function of age is a delta function.

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#3 2012-03-02 22:00:24

Tigeree
Member
Registered: 2005-11-19
Posts: 13,883

Re: Some more clean jokes!

Love Sherlock & Watson, ganesh!
Great jokes!


People don't notice whether it's winter or summer when they're happy.
~ Anton Chekhov
Cheer up, emo kid.

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#4 2012-06-13 20:23:10

ganesh
Moderator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 17,500

Re: Some more clean jokes!

Sam goes to the doctor for his yearly checkup. “Everything is fine”, said the doctor, “You’re doing OK for your age.” “For my age?” questioned Sam, “I’m only 75, do you think I’ll make it to 80? “Well” said the doctor, “do you drink or smoke?” “No” Sam replied. “Do you eat fatty meat or sweets?” “No” said Sam “I am very careful about what I eat.” “How about your activities? Do you engage in thrilling behaviors like speeding or skiing? “No” said Sam taken aback, “I would never engage in dangerous activities.” “Well,” said the doctor, “then why in the world would you want to live to be 80?

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A lady noticed an old happy man sitting on his porch. “Excuse me” she said “I just couldn’t help noticing how happy you look. Tell me, what is the secret to your long happy life.”
“Well, the man responded, “I eat fatty foods, never exercise. I also smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, and drink about a case of whiskey a week”
“Wow” the women said “and how old are you?”
Twenty eight, he said!

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After much convincing from my husband, I finally agreed to call an old family friend to sing her happy birthday. It was only after I finished singing, that the voice at the other end of the line informed me, that it was the wrong number.
“Oh I’m sorry” I said, embarrassed. “It’s ok”, the voice said “you can use all of the practice you can get!”

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I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

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Q. What did the lawyer name his daughter?
A. Sue.

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So David Is finally engaged, and is excited to show off his new bride. “Ma”, he said to his Mother, “I’m going to bring home three girls and I want you to guess which one is my fiance.” Sure enough twenty minutes later, David  walks in the door with three girls following behind him. “It’s that one”, said his mother, without blinking an eye.  ”Holy cow”, exclaimed David, “how in the world did you know it was her?” “I just don’t like her”, she replied.


Character is who you are when no one is looking.

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#5 2012-06-13 22:39:39

bobbym
Administrator
From: Bumpkinland
Registered: 2009-04-12
Posts: 97,182

Re: Some more clean jokes!

Hi ganesh;

The doctor has a point in the first joke.


In mathematics, you don't understand things. You just get used to them.

If it ain't broke, fix it until it is.

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#6 2014-06-13 23:11:06

ganesh
Moderator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 17,500

Re: Some more clean jokes!

A drunk guy had a bit too much to drink. Walking into a courthouse he yell’s “All lawyers are sneaky thieves.” A man stands up and says “Hey,don’t talk like that to me!” The drunk shouts back “Why, you’re a lawyer?” “No”, says the man “I’m a sneaky thief.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I recently went to the doctor with my elderly grandfather and the doctor comes in and sits down to tell us the prognosis, “all you’re test results came back and I’m afraid I have two pieces of bad news. You have Diabetes and you have Alzheimer’s”. My grandfather replies , “That ain’t so bad, at least I don’t have Diabetes!”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Question: What did the police man say to the midget that filed a complaint that someone picked his pocket and stole his wallet?
Answer: I can’t believe someone would stoop so low.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

It was at an amusement park on a brutally hot day when I saw a father with 2 kids. “Who’s enjoying the most?” I asked cheerfully. “I am” said one “ I am” said the second. “No,” the father said “their mother is!”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

For our daughters 5th birthday we bought her a rabbit. We couldn’t help laughing when on the way she announced “the rabbit’s name is Sparingly.” “How do you know?” I asked “look” she responded “it says “feed sparingly 3 times daily.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I was by the baseball game and the umpire behind home plate kept on missing calls. After the game I bumped into the umpire in the lot, and went over to him to have a chat, ” hey I found this phone and I think it may be yours” I yelled. “What makes you think that?” he questioned. “Well, it says 20 missed calls!”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


Character is who you are when no one is looking.

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#7 2014-06-13 23:46:17

Agnishom
Real Member
From: Riemann Sphere
Registered: 2011-01-29
Posts: 21,973
Website

Re: Some more clean jokes!

Hi;

nice jokes!


'And fun? If maths is fun, then getting a tooth extraction is fun. A viral infection is fun. Rabies shots are fun.'
'God exists because Mathematics is consistent, and the devil exists because we cannot prove it'
'But our love is like the wind. I can't see it but I can feel it.' -A Walk to remember

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#8 2014-06-13 23:59:27

ganesh
Moderator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 17,500

Re: Some more clean jokes!

Thanks, Agnishom!


Character is who you are when no one is looking.

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#9 2014-06-14 00:15:54

ShivamS
Member
Registered: 2011-02-07
Posts: 3,646

Re: Some more clean jokes!

Great jokes, ganesh!

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#10 2014-06-14 00:54:37

ganesh
Moderator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 17,500

Re: Some more clean jokes!

Thanks a lot, ShivamS!


Character is who you are when no one is looking.

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#11 2014-06-15 14:04:47

ganesh
Moderator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 17,500

Re: Some more clean jokes!

1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

2. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

3. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

4. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

5. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

6. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

7. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

8. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

9. If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

10. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.


Character is who you are when no one is looking.

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#12 2014-06-16 17:28:54

ganesh
Moderator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 17,500

Re: Some more clean jokes!

What do you call a deeply burnt food item in your lunch that is not recogonizable?
UFO: Unidentified Fried Object.
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Man 1: After buying this new hearing aid, I am able to hear something two blocks away.
Man 2: Cool, how much did it cost?
Man 1: The time is three past ten.
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Doctor to a rich man: Do you prefer a local anesthesia?
Rich man: I would rather prefer an imported one.
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A woman went to the Doctor and said "When I looked in the mirror this morning, I saw my hair was frizzy, my skin wrinkly, my eyes bloodshot – what is wrong with me?".
The Doctor replied "Well the good news is that your eyesight is fine".
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Teacher: "Amy, what do you call the outside of a tree?"
Student: "No idea miss"
Teacher told angrily: "Bark, Amy".
Amy: "Bow Wow Wow Miss"
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Interviewer: Do you think you can handle a variety of work?
Candidate: Yes I think so, I have worked in 10 different places in the last 3 months.
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Employee: I got to have salary increment. Three other companies are after me.
Boss: Really? Which are the three companies?
Employee: The electric company, the telephone company and the gas company.
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Knock knock!
Who's there?
Max.
Max who?
Max no difference to you, just open up and let me in!
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There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference.
After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S".
The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"
The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."
Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.
The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"
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One afternoon, a lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?"
he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food."
The poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!" They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied "No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about three feet tall!"
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A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.
The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"
The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."
The lawyer looked puzzled.
"Gee," he asked, "how do you start a flood?"
----------------------------------------------------------


Character is who you are when no one is looking.

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#13 2015-02-13 19:00:30

ganesh
Moderator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 17,500

Re: Some more clean jokes!

A woman who ran to the mall for a quick errand lost her purse, but an honest teenage boy returned it to her. The woman looked inside her purse and remarked, "That's strange. Earlier I had a $20 bill inside, but now it's gone, and instead I see two fives and a ten." "That's right," the boy explained, "the last time I found a lady's purse, she did not have change for a reward."

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The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.

"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"

The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tones, "Pay me in advance."

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Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The candidate said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"

And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."

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A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

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Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:

"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?

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There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines.

They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is".

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly:
- One chalk mark $1
- Knowing where to put it $49,999

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

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A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says.

"You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"

"Nine!"

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Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"

Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track."

"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.

"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there", answers Tom.

"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.

"Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."

"What if the phone was busy?"

"In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station".

"What if that had been vandalized?"

"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo".

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"

"Because he's never seen a train crash."

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Character is who you are when no one is looking.

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#14 2015-03-29 19:13:07

Olinguito
Member
Registered: 2014-08-12
Posts: 647

Re: Some more clean jokes!

"So, Peter, you've finally come to believe in the existence of the fourth dimension of reality."

"Yes, Paul, it's about time."

Last edited by Olinguito (2015-03-30 20:46:31)


Bassaricyon neblina

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#15 2015-05-14 14:20:43

MonkeyMath
Member
Registered: 2015-05-14
Posts: 1

Re: Some more clean jokes!

What do you get if you cross a mosquito and a mountain climber. Nothing. You can't cross vectors and scalers!

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#16 2015-05-14 17:40:32

ganesh
Moderator
Registered: 2005-06-28
Posts: 17,500

Re: Some more clean jokes!

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?", he asks the shop assistant.

In a manner she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00. "

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others ?

"That's obvious," the assistant states, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture... "


Character is who you are when no one is looking.

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#17 2015-05-15 21:04:30

bobbym
Administrator
From: Bumpkinland
Registered: 2009-04-12
Posts: 97,182

Re: Some more clean jokes!

cA95p8f.png


In mathematics, you don't understand things. You just get used to them.

If it ain't broke, fix it until it is.

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