1) A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day.
'In English', he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.'
A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'
2) Robert went to his lawyer and said, 'I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it.' The lawyer smiled at Robert and replied, 'Not a problem, leave it all to me.'
Robert looked somewhat upset and said, 'Well, I knew you were going to take a big portion, but I would like to leave a little to my family too!'
3) Two lawyers arrive at the pub and ordered a couple of drinks. They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat.
Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says, 'Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!'
The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches.
4) Brenda and Terry are going out for the evening. The last thing they do is put their cat out.
The taxi arrives, and as the couple walk out of the house, the cat scoots back in.
Terry returns inside to chase it out. Brenda, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explains to the taxi driver, 'My husband is just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'
Several minutes later, an exhausted Terry arrives and climbs back into the taxi saying, 'Sorry I took so long, the stupid idiot was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger several times before I could get her to come out!' Good jokes
5) A policeman spotted a jay walker and decided to challenge him, 'Why are you trying to cross here when there's a zebra crossing only 20 metres away?'
'Well,' replied the jay walker, 'I hope it's having better luck than me.'
The Band. Arnold and his wife Florrie were walking across Southsea Common one Sunday afternoon. In the bandstand the combo was playing a catchy sounding tune, and Florrie said, 'I wonder what the name of that tune is.'
Arnold noticed that there was a sign posted near the bandstand and said, 'It looks like they post the titles of the tunes they play. I'll go down and see.'
A while later Arnold returned and said to Florrie, 'It's one I don't know, it's called the Refrain from Spitting.' funny jokes
Harmonica. Jeremy walked into a shop which sold musical instruments and bought a very expensive mouth organ.
As the shopkeeper wrapped up the instrument he said, 'You know is this is quite amazing. We normally don't sell many mouth organs, but this is the second one I've sold today.'
'Oh,' remarked Jeremy, 'that must have been our Monica