One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us." After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of
the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same
child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY. The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their
goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage. The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months
passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My
goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried. The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to see when
Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again." "Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish
that must of been! What a horrible fish. What a horrible fish." "Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."
Never eat more than you can lift. - Miss Piggy
Everyone's entitled to my opinion. - Madonna
If you don't have anything nice to say about anyone... come sit by me. - Alice Longworth
When faced with a decision always ask
"What would be the most fun?" - Peggy Walker
I never know how much of what I say is true. - Bette Midler
What you eat standing up doesn't count. - Beth Barnes
The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win... you're still a rat. -Lily Tomlin
If you're all wrapped up in yourself, you are overdressed. - Kate Halverson
Housework can't kill you, but why take the chance? - Phyllis
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
9) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the row of oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to tests on the subject.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Lets face it--English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant not ham in hamburger, neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweet breads, which aren't sweet at all, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes,we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a
guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. Sometimes, I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. What other reason could there be for saying that people
recite at a play and play at a recital? Or, ship cargo by truck and send cargo by ship? Or, have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race which, of course, isn't a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
Winners of a New York Magazine contest who were asked to take a well known expression in a foreign language, change a single letter and provide a definition for the new expression
The cat is dead.
RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID
Honk if you're Scottish
Can you drive a French motorcycle?
VENI, VIPI, VICI
I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered
VENI, VIDI, VISA
I came, I saw, I shopped.
COGITO EGGO SUM
I think, therefore I am ... a waffle
QUE SERA SERF
Life is feudal
LEROI EST MORT. JIVE LEROI
The king is dead. No kidding
Death styles of the rich and famous
PRO BOZO PUBLICO
Support your local clown
MONAGE A TROIS
I am three years old
Fast French food
QUIP PRO QUO
A fast retort
Love; greetings; farewell; and from such a pain you should never know
Tons of luck
VISA LA FRANCE
Don't leave your chateau without it
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary,
my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
He said, 'Please Mary, put down the gun...'
As you know, there is a possibility of another outbreak of chicken flu during the next few months of flu season.In order that you may be on the alert for indications that you or members of your family may have contracted the Chicken Flu Virus, you should be aware of the symptoms associated with this disease.
1) Sore throat.
2) Slight headache.
3) Moderate to high temperature.
4) Nausea or upset stomach.
5) An uncontrollable urge to lay an egg
Tammy was out driving her car and while stopped at a red light, the car just died. It was a busy intersection and the traffic behind her starting growing. The guy in the
car directly behind her started honking his horn continuously as Tammy continued to try getting the car to start up again. Finally Tammy gets out of her car and approaches the guy in the car behind her.
"I can't seem to get my car started," Tammy said, smiling. "Would you be a sweetheart and go and see if you can get it started for me. I'll stay here in your car and lean on your horn for you."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"Watson, you dummy. Someone has stolen our tent."
I'm sure all of you have had a situation just about like this. Perhaps with the phone company,etc. Talking to big companies an exercise in futility. If you have ever had to deal with a major corporation's customer service then you will really appreciate this.
My Aunt died this past January. Citi Bank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had been $0.00... now was somewhere around -$60.00)
I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:
Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."
CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."
Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"
Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
CitiBank:"...excuse me .?"
Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being dead?"
CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!" (Supervisor gets on the phone)
Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
CitiBank: ".....(stammer)" .... "Are you her lawyer?"
Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given...)
CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given.)
( After they get the fax.)
CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death..."
CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."
Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care...."
CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."
Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"
CitiBank: "That might help."
Me: " (Odessa Memorial Cemetery #### Hwy 129 and plot number given.)
CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?!!"