One Liners

Monox D. I-Fly · 2018-03-18 19:06:49

ganesh wrote:

Love helps to kill time. And time helps to kill love.
* * *

So in mathematical term, they are commutative.

Jai Ganesh · 2018-03-25 00:47:53

That's right, Monox D. I-Fly!

My voicemail message is just instructions on how to send a text message with brief pauses filled with heavy sighing.
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A wife in big doses is poison, in small doses – medicine.
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Why did the girl wear glasses in math class? It improves di-vision.
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Why don't men have mid-life crises? They stay stuck in adolescence.
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What do you call a very small valentine? A valentiny.
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It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look!
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My hope for you is that you someday find the end of your sentence
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Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege!
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You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.
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I don't want you to feel like you can't express yourself, but I do want you to stop talking.
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Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
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Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don't have it.
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We can copy any document for you. We do not require the original.
* * *
Time is like money, the less we have of it to spare the further we make it go.
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I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
* * *

Jai Ganesh · 2018-03-31 00:59:36

Did Adam and Eve ever have a date? No, but they had an Apple.
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Never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.
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Time is like money, the less we have of it to spare the further we make it go.
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How do you fix a woman's watch? Why should you? There's a clock on the oven.
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I'm having an introvert party and you're all not invited.
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I let my kids follow their dreams, unless I already paid the registration fee on their last dream, then they follow that for 6-8 more weeks.
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Some people think that their life experience compensates for their lack of brain.
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I asked my friend for a sharpened pencil, but he didn't have one. I always knew he was a little dull...
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Handsome, Sweet, Intelligent, spontaneous, good-looking, nice friends, charming, funny, well...Enough about ME! How about you?
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What's the easiest animal to shoot? Fish, because they're always found in schools.
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Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.
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A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
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What do men and women have in common? They both distrust men.
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The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.
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A nice box of chocolates provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
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Jai Ganesh · 2018-04-04 00:41:58

I always give 110%. Oops. Left out the decimal point. I always give 1.10%.
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Why was the broom late? It over swept!
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The Best way to get back on your feet is to miss a couple of car payments!
* * *
I can't count how many times I failed math at school.
* * *
My family always celebrates Thanksgiving with a fast. The faster we eat, the more food we get.
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I would tell you a joke about my shoe but I think I shoedn't.
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What do bees do with their honey? They cell it.
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I hated my job at the fireworks factory, I got fired a lot.
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Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
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Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
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You're the best! At being the worst.
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Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine? He fell in love with a pincushion!
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Try to use this vacuum, it may help you remove the cobwebs in your mind.
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Jai Ganesh · 2018-04-06 00:08:31

Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student? Because education pays off in the long run!
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What is Mozart doing right now? Decomposing.
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My dog and I both freak out whenever the doorbell rings but we run in opposite directions.
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How old would you be if you didn't know how old you was?
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We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
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Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
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Egotist: A person who is usually me-deep in conversation.
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I have a friend. He keeps trying to convince me he's a compulsive liar, but I don't believe him.
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I would count my blessings on Thanksgiving, but my relatives outnumber them.
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You never have to worry about love at first sight if you steadfastly keep looking at your phone.
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Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
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What do you call a mountain where people never sleep? Mt Neverest.
* * *
Always wear high heels, it makes it easier to look down on him.
* * *
New Year's is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don't want you reusing last year's calendar.
* * *
My wife made me into millionaire. I was a multi-millionaire before we met.
* * *
The best reason to divorce or break-up with a man is for health reasons you're sick of him.
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Jai Ganesh · 2018-04-11 00:13:47

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
* * *
Egotist: A person who is usually me-deep in conversation.
* * *
I have a friend. He keeps trying to convince me he's a compulsive liar, but I don't believe him.
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You're so old that your first car was a covered wagon.
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If I were a dog would you help me bury my bone?
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An ad at the zoo: ‘Don't scare the ostriches! The floors are concrete!'
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What kind of flowers do you never give on Valentine's Day? Cauliflowers!
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The more vital your research, the less people will understand it.
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Why didn't the dog want to play football? It was a boxer!
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You know you're getting old when you have more candles on your cake than friends at your birthday party.
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Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
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What do you call a Camel with 3 humps? Pregnant!
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How can you tell if a man is happy? Who Cares?
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There are 12 things, people do when they haven't prepared a speech. They lie, tell stories and exaggerate.
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Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.
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Jai Ganesh · 2018-04-13 01:15:55

What is black and white and red all over? A newspaper!
* * *
Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
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You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
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Why can't the bank keep a secret? It has too many tellers!
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Why didn't the elephant buy a suitcase for his summer vacation? Because he already had a trunk!
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Upgrade your weekend: Take Monday Off...
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If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they're 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year.
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See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
* * *
Ever since I took geometry at school, my life has turned around 360 degrees.
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What do a dentist and a tennis coach have in common? They both use drills!
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I could make jokes about bears, but they are unbearable.
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I don't care who you are, but if you're reading this I still don't care.
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The man who discovered copper died penniless.
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Every day two million Americans play tennis and one million of them lose.
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Jai Ganesh · 2018-04-14 23:03:07

I'm not trying to boss you around, just do what I say.
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Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract.
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A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.
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Sit down, give your mind a rest - it obviously needs it.
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Did you hear the story about the giraffe? Forget it, its too long.
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Take time to relax especially when you don't have time for it.
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A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
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What dog can't bark? A hot dog.
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The early bird gets the worm but the late worm gets to live.
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There are no limits to my perfection – a monkey was thinking while looking at a human.
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What is it? "It" is a pronoun.
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If you are what you eat, then my dog is a calculator.
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Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
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"Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart ". Does that mean Iron Man is the most beautiful person on earth?
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I came into this world screaming and I still haven't stopped.
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Laziness Level: I get jealous when it's bedtime in other countries.
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I know that there are people who don't love their fellowmen – I hate these people.
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Jai Ganesh · 2018-04-15 23:31:02

If you are joining a new bank bring money with you, make sure you take that into account.
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What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business? 1. No mind. 2. No business.
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My wife and I had a two-hour fight about whether or not we were fighting.
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I would tell a history joke, but they're too old fashioned.
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When do people start using their trampoline? Spring-Time.
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Inflation: Being broke with a lot of money in your pocket.
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Trust but verify.
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What did one ghost say to another ghost? "Do you believe in people?"
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How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
* * *
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'.
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I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.
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The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
* * *
Secret to success is to know who to blame for your failures.
* * *
Interviewer: "Why do you want this job?" Me: "I've just always been very passionate about not starving to death."
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The Titanic was built to last, let that sink in.
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Jai Ganesh · 2018-04-16 18:29:04

I have given up on my stand up comedy routines. Everybody just keeps laughing at me.
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Sometimes I feel like running away. Then I remember how much I hate running.
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For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common birthday.
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I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said "WHERE"?
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I hate that feeling after surgery when you're not sure if you're awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
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A wise dog once told me: "Life is like a box of chocolates... it kills you."
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Smart people don't call themselves smart - me included.
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Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
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Nothing brings neighbors together, like a broken elevator.
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What did the chicken say when it got to the library? "Book book book book book book book..."
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Why didn't the skeleton want to go to school? His heart wasn't in it.
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I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid.
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The first step to causing drama is making sure you tell everyone you hate drama.
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Why can't pigs tell a joke? Because they're such a bore.
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What does a hockey player and a magician have in common? Both do hat tricks!
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Monox D. I-Fly · 2018-04-17 16:28:56

ganesh wrote:

What is black and white and red all over? A newspaper!
* * *

Or a bleeding zebra.

Jai Ganesh · 2018-04-17 23:06:17

Monox D. I-Fly wrote:

ganesh wrote:
What is black and white and red all over? A newspaper!
* * *
Or a bleeding zebra.

Funny!

* * *
I have given up on my stand up comedy routines. Everybody just keeps laughing at me.
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I think football would become an even better game if someone could invent a ball that kicks back.
* * *
People who want to share their religious or political views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
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How about we do some peer-to-peer sharing? Your domain or mine?
* * *
Can't throw the ball, kept on bouncing away: situation is out of hand.
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Why should you not make fun of a crippled person? Because he can't stand the jokes.
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How do we know that soccer referees are happy? Because they whistle while they work.
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Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
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When I asked if you'd like to go out on a date sometime, I meant with me.
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A sports expert is the guy who writes the best alibis for being wrong.
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It's funny how one person can make you never trust anybody...
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When there are no volunteers, they get appointed.
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Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
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I think I'm agnostic, but I haven't decided.
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Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.
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Jai Ganesh · 2018-04-19 01:20:18

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
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Why were the Middle Ages called the Dark Ages? Because there were too many knights.
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A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
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What did Mister A say to Mister E? It's the popular mystery.
* * *
I'm a humble person, really. I'm actually much greater than I think I am.
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What do you call a dead Magician? A ABRACADAVA.
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If breaks are meant to be slow... then why do they call it "breakfast"?
* * *
I'm at my most amazing when no one is paying attention.
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Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.
* * *
Where do bad gymnasts go? Behind parallel bars!
* * *
I'm sure there's a supplement I could take or another easy solution to cure my laziness. Someone look into it for me.
* * *
There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
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What do men and beer bottles have in common? They are both empty from the neck up.
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Why do dogs make good sailors? They know their knots.
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Jai Ganesh · 2018-04-19 17:09:37

I could never figure out why I was never any good at math!
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Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? It was a grave mistake.
* * *
Marriage and smoking are similar. You start because you want to and you continue because you have to.
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How do teddy bears keep their den cool in summer? They use bear conditioning!
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Why did the librarian get kicked off the plane? Because it was overbooked.
* * *
Person of the year award has been won by a scarecrow; the judges said he was outstanding in his field.
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He is known as a miracle comic. If he's funny, it's a miracle!
* * *
My dog is completely exhausted from destroying everything in my house.
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If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
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I haven't been ignoring you; I've been prioritizing you.
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I get most of my daily exercise from shrugging.
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What do cannibals do at a wedding? Toast the bride and groom.
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God sees everything. Neighbors – even more... Tell me who I am and I will tell you who you are...
* * *
What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips!
* * *
When you want to marry a beautiful, a smart and a rich woman – marry three times.
* * *
A girl never comments on another unless she's jealous.
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Monox D. I-Fly · 2018-04-19 17:57:36

ganesh wrote:

I think football would become an even better game if someone could invent a ball that kicks back.
* * *

Quidditch?

Jai Ganesh · 2018-04-19 21:25:11

Monox D. I-Fly wrote:

ganesh wrote:
I think football would become an even better game if someone could invent a ball that kicks back.
* * *
Quidditch?

I had to lookup for the new term! Thanks!

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
* * *
Tarzan doesn't have a beard. Yet he lives in the jungle for over 30 years.
* * *
You know you're fat when you step on the scale and it says "one at a time please".
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How does broccoli use a cellphone? He cauliflower.
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My room + internet connection + music + food – homework = perfect day.
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I disapprove of every conspiracy of which I am not a part.
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I've been thinking about you...Owl night long.
* * *
If anything is used to its full potential, it will break.
* * *
Alcohol not only expands the blood vessels but also communications.
* * *
What did the elephant say to his girlfriend? "I love you a ton!"
* * *
Look, if crying doesn't solve the problem, then maybe I'm just not the person you should be asking.
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I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
* * *
Did it hurt when you fell down from Heaven?
* * *
What is a runner's favorite subject in school? Jog-raphy!
* * *
I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.
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Relationship between men and women is psychological. She is psycho and he is logical.
* * *

Monox D. I-Fly · 2018-04-20 14:21:36

ganesh wrote:

My room + internet connection + music + food – homework = perfect day.
* * *

Just me everyday at work.

Jai Ganesh · 2018-04-20 22:44:58

Monox D. I-Fly wrote:

ganesh wrote:
My room + internet connection + music + food – homework = perfect day.
* * *
Just me everyday at work.

ha ha!

* * *
People come and go but birthdays do accrue.
* * *
What happened when the two angels got married? They lived harpily ever after!
* * *
I don't ignore people, I just choose to not notice them.
* * *
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? One. They are efficient and don't have humor.
* * *
Don't make me use UPPERCASE.
* * *
All my party planning skills revolve around exit strategies.
* * *
What did the boy cat say to the girl cat on Valentine's Day? You're purrr-fect for me!
* * *
Why did the student study in an airplane? He wanted a higher education!
* * *
Put some ash or soot on your fingertip. Casually mention to a friend that he has a spot of dirt on his face as you reach up to remove it. Leave your mark!
* * *
Marriage is like a bar of soap. It smells delicious until you take a bite out of it!
* * *
British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough, use an ashtray.
* * *
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
* * *
I only drink on days beginning with "T". Tuesday, Thursday, today and tomorrow.
* * *
What does a man who loves his car do on February 14? He gives it a valenshine!
* * *

Jai Ganesh · 2018-04-22 01:28:12

In politics, absurdity is not a handicap.
* * *
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
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Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
* * *
English is weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
* * *
A beautiful girl looks good in the background of her smart friend.
* * *
Save money by sleeping a lot.
* * *
When I said "I was afraid of the dentist", I meant the bill.
* * *
Why do people ask me if I'm "hiding", if I was hiding you wouldn't see me!
* * *
Do fish get thirsty?
* * *
It is always the wrong time of month.
* * *
Why did the summer school teacher wear sunglasses? Because her class was so bright!
* * *
Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.
* * *
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry.
* * *
Where does Dracula keep his valuables? In a blood bank.
* * *
If I survived a plane crash in the wilderness, my biggest concern would be how much my airport parking bill would be.
* * *
Why do I always know where to go when I am canoeing? Because I "canoe" it.
* * *

Jai Ganesh · 2018-04-25 01:49:49

It's not peer pressure, it's just your turn.
* * *
Five Secrets of Successful People:1. Don't 2. Tell 3. Anyone 4. Your 5. Secrets.
* * *
I like the sound of you not talking.
* * *
Let's walk and talk. You go that way.
* * *
What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted.
* * *
Ninety two percent of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils.
* * *
Why wasn't the vampire working? He was on his coffin break.
* * *
We never knew he was a drunk... until he showed up to work sober.
* * *
Why do frogs like St. Patrick's Day? Because they're always wearing green.
* * *
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around.
* * *
What cake makes you feel uncomfortable? Stomachache.
* * *
Deja Vu – When you think you're doing something you've done before, it's because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends.
* * *
Most of the people dream of not working and having lots of money. During an economic crisis 50 % of those dreams came true.
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If I was smarter, I would know so much more stuff.
* * *
My life is an open book. But it's very poorly written and I die in the end.
* * *

Jai Ganesh · 2018-04-29 00:05:58

Did you hear about the bonfire? I heard it was lit.
* * *
I hate when people ask for likes... Like if you agree!
* * *
What kind of key opens a casket? A skeleton key.
* * *
If a giraffe had a sore throat, how many lozenges would it need to make it better?
* * *
If you want your dreams to be as fascinating to other people as they are to you, don't mention it's a dream until the end of the story.
* * *
Seminar "How to avoid frauds" is canceled. Tickets are non-refundable.
* * *
What's a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
* * *
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
* * *
Drink green beer on St Patricks Day! It counts as a vegetable!
* * *
There were plenty of lookers-on but no witnesses.
* * *
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
* * *
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
* * *
Autocorrect changed Morning Run to Morning Rum. Change Of Plans, Guys!
* * *
When I was at school, fifty two percent of the class were good at maths. I was one of the other thirty eight percent.
* * *

Jai Ganesh · 2018-05-02 15:51:15

There was only 2 things I was good at in school... Maths.
* * *
The trick to really enjoying someone's company is to not spend a lot of time with them.
* * *
I can't decide which room not to clean first.
* * *
I went to school without my shoes today. I got shoe-spended for a week.
* * *
Don't drink while driving – you will spill the beer.
* * *
If good things come in small packages, then more good things can come in large packages.
* * *
Diet tip: If you think you're hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
* * *
A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".
* * *
There is 1 thing 2 do 3 words 4 you I LOVE YOU.
* * *
If the music's too loud you're too old.
* * *
My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from local zoo.
* * *

Jai Ganesh · 2018-05-05 15:10:52

What summer vacation destination makes a pet bird sing for joy? The Canary Islands!
* * *
Everything is rightly confused.
* * *
Why do volleyball player want to join the armed forces? For the chance to gain some experience in the service.
* * *
If cats could text you back, they wouldn't.
* * *
Men are like placemats, they only show up when there's food on the table.
* * *
The main thing I want this holiday season is for someone to wake me when it's over.
* * *
Everybody loves success, but they hate successful people.
* * *
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
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War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
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What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Yell at her.
* * *
Scratches and dents on the doors of your car are the side effects of bad driving.
* * *
If I buy a soccer ball, will you kick it with me?
* * *
Middle age is when your old classmates are so grey and wrinkled and bald they don't recognize you.
* * *
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
* * *
If You weigh 200 pounds on the Earth it is only 76 pounds on the Mars, and it means You are not fat but you are just on the wrong planet.
* * *

Jai Ganesh · 2018-05-22 16:53:44

What is a skeleton? Skeleton is a person who starts dieting but forgot to stop it...
* * *
I am so old I can tell the same joke on facebook every day. Some of my friends are so old, they will think it is a new joke every day.
* * *
My life is a lot like that driver who signals right, but turns left.
* * *
For me, being "clean and sober" means I'm showered and headed to the pub.
* * *
People always say to do exercise, I do Breathing... Could I be more working!
* * *
Useless trying to undo a mistake. Focus your efforts on new ones.
* * *
A mother makes her son intelligent in 20 years, but a woman can make him stupid in 30 seconds.
* * *
How does a network administrator nerd greet people who come to his house? Welcome to 127.0.0.1
* * *
You're not sure – outrun and make sure.
* * *
I heard you were good at algebra. Can you replace my X without asking y?
* * *
I don't need a reason to enjoy a little wine. I just need a glass.
* * *
If you see me with a water bottle, there's probably vodka in it!
* * *

Jai Ganesh · 2018-08-26 00:10:09

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.
* * *
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
* * *
"Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart ". Does that mean Iron Man is the most beautiful person on earth?
* * *
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
* * *
Your so dense, light must bend around you.
* * *
I know that there are people who don't love their fellow man – I hate those people.
* * *
Laziness Level: I get jealous when it's bedtime in other countries.
* * *
Where do bad gymnasts go? Behind parallel bars!
* * *
What is it? "It" is a pronoun.
* * *
If you are joining a new bank bring money with you, make sure you take that into account.
* * *
Sports do not build character. They reveal it.
* * *
I would tell a history joke, but they're too old fashioned.
* * *
The early bird gets the worm but the late worm gets to live.
* * *
What did the Valentine's Day card say to the stamp? Stick with me and you'll go places.
* * *
Why didn't the skeleton want to go to school? His heart wasn't in it.
* * *
Inflation: Being broke with a lot of money in your pocket.
* * *

Math Is Fun Forum

#51 2018-03-18 19:06:49

Re: One Liners

#52 2018-03-25 00:47:53

Re: One Liners

#53 2018-03-31 00:59:36

Re: One Liners

#54 2018-04-04 00:41:58

Re: One Liners

#55 2018-04-06 00:08:31

Re: One Liners

#56 2018-04-11 00:13:47

Re: One Liners

#57 2018-04-13 01:15:55

Re: One Liners

#58 2018-04-14 23:03:07

Re: One Liners

#59 2018-04-15 23:31:02

Re: One Liners

#60 2018-04-16 18:29:04

Re: One Liners

#61 2018-04-17 16:28:56

Re: One Liners

#62 2018-04-17 23:06:17

Re: One Liners

#63 2018-04-19 01:20:18

Re: One Liners

#64 2018-04-19 17:09:37

Re: One Liners

#65 2018-04-19 17:57:36

Re: One Liners

#66 2018-04-19 21:25:11

Re: One Liners

#67 2018-04-20 14:21:36

Re: One Liners

#68 2018-04-20 22:44:58

Re: One Liners

#69 2018-04-22 01:28:12

Re: One Liners

#70 2018-04-25 01:49:49

Re: One Liners

#71 2018-04-29 00:05:58

Re: One Liners

#72 2018-05-02 15:51:15

Re: One Liners

#73 2018-05-05 15:10:52

Re: One Liners

#74 2018-05-22 16:53:44

Re: One Liners

#75 2018-08-26 00:10:09

Re: One Liners

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