One Liners

Jai Ganesh · 2015-03-02 00:51:12

The only time incorrectly isn’t spelled incorrectly is when it’s spelled incorrectly.

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Sleep is my drug….my bed is my dealer….and my alarm clock is the police.

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If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times don’t exaggerate!

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Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

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What if there were no hypothetical situations?

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If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it…

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Every novel is a mystery novel if you never…

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I can still remember a time when I knew more than…

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Where are Average Things Manufactured? The satisfactory.

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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

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If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

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Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

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Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

bobbym · 2015-03-02 10:21:26

Hi;

The last one was my Mom's favorite.

Agnishom · 2015-03-02 12:38:14

It is not a joke.

bobbym · 2015-03-02 12:39:38

But it is a one-liner.

Agnishom · 2015-03-02 12:54:17

The same with the last post.

Jai Ganesh · 2015-03-03 01:15:56

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

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War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

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Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words.

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The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

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I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

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Plan to be spontaneous – tomorrow.

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A computer program will always do what you tell it to, and seldom what you want it to.

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Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

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My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Olinguito · 2015-03-28 08:01:52

San Andreas should be blamed for all the earthquake activity in California because it's his fault.

Jai Ganesh · 2018-02-01 01:19:03

Your debt will stay with you if you can't budge it.
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She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
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Calendar days are numbered.
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What kind of tree do fingers grow on? A palm tree.
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A pessimist's blood type is always B-.
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What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it? Nothing, it just let out a little whine.
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Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
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A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
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Reading while sunbathing makes you well, red.
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A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
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If you don't pay your exorcist, will you get repossessed?
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He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
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Acupuncture is a jab well done.
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When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
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Jai Ganesh · 2018-02-03 16:05:21

Work harder: millions on welfare depend on you.
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Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
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Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
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Lord, if I can’t be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.
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War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
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Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words.
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A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
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It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
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First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
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Plan to be spontaneous – tomorrow.
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A computer program will always do what you tell it to, and seldom what you want it to.
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Materialism: buying things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people that don’t matter.
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Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
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My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
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Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
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The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
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Alg Num Theory · 2018-02-03 18:29:16

Never fight fire with fire. Always fight fire with water. It’s more effective.
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Like attracts like. (With the exception of electric charges and magnetic poles.)
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Be a member of the Self Preservation Society: do whatever it takes to stay alive, even if it kills you!
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Jai Ganesh · 2018-02-03 20:02:06

When your only tool is a hammer, all problems start looking like nails.
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Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
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Time doesn't exist. Clocks exist.
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There is no dance without the dancers.
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A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
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What is faster Hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.
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Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
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Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!
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If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
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Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
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I can handle pain until it hurts.
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Monox D. I-Fly · 2018-02-04 17:36:38

ganesh wrote:

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
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This is one of the reasons why, as one of my coworkers asked last weekend, I like getting bullied.

Jai Ganesh · 2018-02-04 21:04:44

Monox D. I-Fly wrote:

ganesh wrote:
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
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This is one of the reasons why, as one of my coworkers asked last weekend, I like getting bullied.

True. Silence is the best thing to practice, Monox D. I-Fly, isn't it?

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Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.
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What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
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I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
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I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
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Don't spell part backwards. It's a trap.
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If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
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I used to build stairs for a living, it's an up and down business.
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I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
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Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Sein.
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My tennis opponent was not happy with my serve. He kept returning it.
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I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.
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What do you call a cow during an earthquake? A milkshake.
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To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero, thanks for nothing!
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A teacher asks a student, "Are you ignorant or just apathetic?" The kid answers, "I don't know and I don't care."
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A book just fell on my head. I've only got myshelf to blame.
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The best time to open a gift is the present.
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My math teacher called me average. How mean!
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I tried to escape the Apple store. I couldn't because there were no Windows.
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Anyone who wanted to sell fish had to get permission from grandpa. He was known as the cod father.
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Monox D. I-Fly · 2018-02-05 13:03:38

ganesh wrote:

Monox D. I-Fly wrote:
ganesh wrote:
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
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This is one of the reasons why, as one of my coworkers asked last weekend, I like getting bullied.
True. Silence is the best thing to practice, Monox D. I-Fly, isn't it?

Yup. That's why my favorite element is water. Even though it seems weak and harmless, it can kill people with many various ways.

Jai Ganesh · 2018-02-05 16:03:03

True, Monox D. I-Fly!

Continued:

Were there any great men born in this town? No only little babies.
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"The bank has returned your check." "Great. What can we buy with it this time?"
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My wife does bird imitations. She always watches me like hawk.
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I was born on the 1st of the month, so they called me Bill!
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"When is it your birthday, I would like to get you a present!" "You are way too late. I was born many years ago."
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He stayed up all night studying for his blood test.
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He thought he was clever because his blood test results said A+.
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"Quick operator send an S.O.S!" "How do you spell that?"
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I can't give him a book as a gift. He may already have one.
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Why are there no asprins in the jungle? Because the Parots-ate-em-all.
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What do you call a camel with 3 humps? Humphreys!
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What do cows do for entertainment? They rent moovies!
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I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
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What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home? "Where on Earth have you been?!"
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I don't engage in mental combat with the unarmed.
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No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
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If anything is possible, is it possible for something to be impossible?
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When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.
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What did the farmer say when his hay started blowing away? Hay, come back!
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What do ghosts serve for dessert? I Scream.
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Jai Ganesh · 2018-02-05 18:17:14

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
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We can't help everyone, but everyone can help someone.
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The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
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Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.
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I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.
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Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Gorgeousaurus!
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Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beautician.
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I named my dog 6 miles so I can tell people that I walk 6 miles every single day.
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An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" The student replied, "It is obviously past."
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Clinging on to past and living is like driving forward while watching the rear view mirror...
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Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
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People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now.
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Aging gracefully is like the nice way of saying you're slowly looking worse.
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The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
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Scientists say the universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons, and Electrons. They forgot to mention Morons.
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Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
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I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
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Jai Ganesh · 2018-02-06 18:29:23

The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don't have.
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Never trust a dog to watch your food.
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An optimist believes that we live in the best world. A pessimist is afraid that it might be true.
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God gave us the brain to work out problems. However, we use it to create more problems.
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Occasionally, a true friend gives his paw not his hand...
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Don't be afraid to stand for what you believe in, even if that means standing alone.
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A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
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The road to success is always under construction.
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At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he's adopted?
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A friend is like a book: you don't need to read all of them, just pick the best ones.
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You can make a water-bed more bouncy by using spring water.
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Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
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Scientists say the universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons, and Electrons. They forgot to mention Morons.
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I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.
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My mind's made up, don't confuse me with facts.
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Everyone my age is older than me...
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I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
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Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
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The reward for a job well done is more work.
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Jai Ganesh · 2018-02-07 15:06:55

It's funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
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"Hi, I'm writing a phone book, can I have your number?"
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Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
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Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
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We come to love not by finding a perfect person... but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
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Somewhere an elderly lady reads a book on how to use the internet, while a young boy googles "how to read a book".
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I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
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Why kill time when you can make it work for you?
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Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
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A man walks into the doctors and the doctor says, "I've not seen you for a while." The man replies, "Yes, I've been ill."
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My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words... "Lazy."
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My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."
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Jai Ganesh · 2018-02-07 16:06:56

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
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Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
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The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it.
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Are you made of beryllium, gold, and titanium? You must be because you are BeAuTi-ful.
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I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
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Don't be irreplaceable - if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.
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Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you're CuTe!
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I would like to thank everybody that stuck by my side for those five long minutes my house didn't have internet.
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Beauty is only skin deep ...but ugly goes all the way to the bone!
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Wise people think all they say, fools say all they think.
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A man to a woman," Did you see my watch? I was so busy that I didn't have time to find it."
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"Room service." "Honeymoon salad." "What's that?" "Lettuce alone."
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Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.
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My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right—I feel ten years older already.
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If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
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Jai Ganesh · 2018-02-07 20:33:09

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
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You're like a candy bar: half sweet and half nuts.
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Whatever you do always give 100 %. Unless you are donating blood.
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A wise man once said... Nothing, he only listened.
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Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
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Dream carefully, because dreams come true.
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I hate peer pressure and you should too.
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Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
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Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says: "Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?"
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It's ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
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Now what's on the menu? Me-n-u!
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I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.
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Jai Ganesh · 2018-02-08 17:07:25

So what if I don't know what Armageddon means? It's not the end of the world.
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This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
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Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
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I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.
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Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
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Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
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Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
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This morning some clown opened the door for me. I thought to myself that's a nice Jester.
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Take my advice — I'm not using it.
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668 – The neighbor of the beast.
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Currently the flower business is blooming.
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If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.
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The trouble with learning from experience is that you never graduate.
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An invention of the hug: "You look sad. Let me choke your whole body".
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If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.
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Monox D. I-Fly · 2018-02-08 20:07:53

ganesh wrote:

If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.
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But sometimes ignorance is a bliss!

Alg Num Theory · 2018-02-08 23:15:33

Monox D. I-Fly wrote:

ganesh wrote:
If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.
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But sometimes ignorance is a bliss!

I agree. If it’s situation you don’t need to get involved in, there’s no need to poke your nose in it and be a busybody. Just step out of the chaos and let others deal with it.

Jai Ganesh · 2018-02-09 00:05:22

Monox D. I-Fly wrote:

ganesh wrote:
If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.
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But sometimes ignorance is a bliss!

Probably!

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I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
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Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them...
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I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I kinda liked it.
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If procrastionation was an Olympic sport, I'd compete in it later.
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I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
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Transitional age is when during a hot day you don't know what you want – ice cream or beer.
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Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
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It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
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Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
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Everyone has a photographic memory, some don't have film.
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If the speed of light is 186,000 miles/sec., what's the speed of darkness?
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If Mayans could predict the future, why didn't they predict their extinction?
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I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
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My IQ test results just came in and I'm really relieved. Thank God it's negative.
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What did the mother lion say to her cubs before dinner? "Shall we prey?"
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Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
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Alg Num Theory · 2018-02-10 01:28:48

They say, “Don’t get mad, get even.” I say: “Don’t get mad, get even madder.”

—Vinnie Jones

Last edited by Alg Num Theory (2018-02-10 21:49:31)

Math Is Fun Forum

#1 2015-03-02 00:51:12

One Liners

#2 2015-03-02 10:21:26

Re: One Liners

#3 2015-03-02 12:38:14

Re: One Liners

#4 2015-03-02 12:39:38

Re: One Liners

#5 2015-03-02 12:54:17

Re: One Liners

#6 2015-03-03 01:15:56

Re: One Liners

#7 2015-03-28 08:01:52

Re: One Liners

#8 2018-02-01 01:19:03

Re: One Liners

#9 2018-02-03 16:05:21

Re: One Liners

#10 2018-02-03 18:29:16

Re: One Liners

#11 2018-02-03 20:02:06

Re: One Liners

#12 2018-02-04 17:36:38

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#13 2018-02-04 21:04:44

Re: One Liners

#14 2018-02-05 13:03:38

Re: One Liners

#15 2018-02-05 16:03:03

Re: One Liners

#16 2018-02-05 18:17:14

Re: One Liners

#17 2018-02-06 18:29:23

Re: One Liners

#18 2018-02-07 15:06:55

Re: One Liners

#19 2018-02-07 16:06:56

Re: One Liners

#20 2018-02-07 20:33:09

Re: One Liners

#21 2018-02-08 17:07:25

Re: One Liners

#22 2018-02-08 20:07:53

Re: One Liners

#23 2018-02-08 23:15:33

Re: One Liners

#24 2018-02-09 00:05:22

Re: One Liners

#25 2018-02-10 01:28:48

Re: One Liners

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